♥AMALINA.

when the heart says, 'Yes'

2012-01-16T15:29:00.002+08:00

1. YOU. no doubt, you never fail to make me smile when I'm down. You're like a shooting star coming from nowhere. Life without you is incomplete. Its like a puzzle with missing pieces. You're too good of a person for me. The last thing I wanna do is to hurt you, leaving your heart in broken pieces. Its sucks that I push people away when people gets too clingy or when I needed some time alone. & that person is YOU.

2. To YOU. We're best friends but I went overboard, didn't I? I shouldn't have those feelings for you. Now, those feelings has already faded. But... you made the first move to pour ur feelings. I've got no heart to let you down. Why must you makes things so difficult, dear one? why now? I've broken your heart so many times without my knowledge. After what I've done to you, you wait, waiting and still waiting.

YOU is a person. Another YOU is different person.
Go figure.

WALL DECAL

2012-01-16T15:26:00.003+08:00

"ALL YOU NEED IS FAITH, TRUST & A LITTLE BIT OF PIXIE DUST"

what's life?

2011-12-29T03:21:00.005+08:00

Life after O'level is definitely less stressful. Now, its coming to the end of 2011 & nearing 2012. A year passed so swiftly. Last year, this time, I was worried sick about Secondary 4 life & O'levels. Now, a year later, I've done my O's and conquered Sec 4 life. It was never easy, neither it was difficult. Alhamdulillah, He made it possible for me.

So,.. what's my life after O's? well, nothing much except I've been relaxing and enjoying a lot. Never have I felt this relax and chill before. Or should I say its been a very long time. Currently, I'm not working, prolly finding a job after the release of the results. However, I did spent my time wisely. Alhamdulillah, I promised myself to get close to the mosque. Indeed, I did. Attended talks, usrah and planned camps for kids.

Recently, there's Damay camp. It went smoothly. phew! Being the Head of Facilitator was definitely a great opportunity for me. Leading the group in doing Tazkirah was overwhelming but experienced gained. Those kid may be 7-13 years olds, but they do taught me a lot of lessons. PATIENCE is definitely needed. I admit I was a little harsh to them but after a while, I realised harshness doesn't work all the time. GIVE AND TAKE is the next best thing. Kids are generally curious. They asked me a lot of questions of Islam, even the simplest things. At some point, I was speechless. I can't even answer them. That shows how much more I need to learn about my religion. Masyallah. I do thank them for opening my eyes. At the end of the camp, I'm proud to say Best Camper came from my group & we won the Best Group! yay!

Let's meet them, shall we? (from left to right)
Ryan, Hazim, Firdaus, Afiq, Zikry, Izzat & Faris

And I should thank my facis and the committee for helping out for everything.

So what's life without ups and downs right? Sigh, I think close friends would know what happened to me. I should say, nobody understands me better than Asheera, my 13-years old best friend. Definitely, I thank everybody esle for their unweavering support, care, concern & love. To Syahira, my pillar of strength. To Nadiah Hazwani, that strong girl. To Jannah, my smiley girl. To Su'Aidah, Musfirah, Hazirah, for the advices and support. To Atiqa & Safirah, my best buds who's been there through it all. To Faruq & Hanafee, the big brothers I could depend on. To SiJia & Ming Hui, who are far away, but their constant tweets made me stronger. And of course, To Ayu Syafiqah, the girl that patiently went through everything with me. Not forgetting, Him, who met me with all these people. Praises to Allah.

I still stand strong with this motto in life,
"My life isn’t easy. No one is. It’s how you deal with things. Smile and face it or succumb to the pressure."

P.S: Count your blessings and remember you're always a day nearer to death. be grateful. Appreciate. Smile. :)

xo,..

what's new?

2011-11-28T21:05:00.002+08:00

where should I start? its been so long since I last update. About 1 and half months back. Life has changed so much since then. I don't know where to start or even end. hmm..

prolly I should start with this. Have you ever been labelled as the bad person umpteen times and counting? yes I do. No, I'm not gonna question why I deserve this cos its His Will.

I don't know when i could achieve pure happiness. Everytime and I really mean, every single freaking time, I'm close to someone, that person just have to leave. I know I blogged about this before, but I thought it was over but NO! This time, the person is back with more. Its already quite depressing when 2 girls are against me just for a guy. -.- You don't have to get all my other girlfriends to be on ur side and against me, do you?! What you want me to do? You want to ruin my life till I enter the grave is it? Just because of a GUY, I repeat A GUY, you dislike me. I know if you could hate me, you've hated me long time ago. I really cared for you, love you like a best friend. I even distance myself from him just for YOU. I would sacrifice anything for you so you'll not be hurt. Apparently, I received this treatment instead. what's this? I apologised if I've lied or did anything behind ur back. I know I'm at fault too. Girl, do you really have to do this to me? Now, all the girls have their back against me. You're happy to me this way right? Perhaps I should leave. Leave you, leave the girls and leave the place. How could I actually face you girls when I know you girls actually dislike me? I can't help it, but cry thinking about our frienship.

Honestly, you don't know the real story and you're judging me. Good intentions are always misintepreted. why oh why? Syahira told me why should I care for someone who doesn't care for me. I've lost you, girl. You doubted me since the very beginning. I don't wish to lose another friendship because of you. Why do you put the blame on me? why you didn't put the blame on the other person? Cos you know why. You like him and you can't force him to like you. Instead, you get it on me, thinking that I would give in to you. Girl, that's not a good tactic, ya know. I'm feeling morose and dissappointed in you for doubting me and not trusting me. How the heck can muslims be bonded and strengthen ukhuwah if people have 'snatching friend' perspective? Nah, not possible.

Then again, I raised both my palms and tears just fell rapidly. I pray that your heart and eyes will open up to realise the truth and see the bigger picture. :(

I just came back from Perak's Trip last Friday. I wanna go back there again. I found peace at camp. Camp was the BESTEST! I really enjoyed myself throughout the camp. VERY ADEVENTUROUS, AWESOME & EPIC. Thumbs up! I'm hoping the Secondary 4 Farewell party would be great too. :)

xo,

acceptance

2011-10-09T23:05:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah. Its been a few weeks ever since I put on my hijab. And you know, how it feels like? It feels like you're sins are washed away and you're doing an obligatory to Allah. I didn't expect myself to change this fast but, nevertheless, I didn't regret. Putting aside people's remarks about my new change. Who cares. This change is meant fro myself, not them. My sole intention is only for Him. No one has the right to judge my intention to wear hijab except Him.

Sometimes, when I look at pretty girls not covering their aurat, honestly, I feel like opening up too. Masyallah. However, I know that's Syaitan calling. I don't wanna be the old Amalina. I don't want the sinful Amalina anymore. Here is the poem that never fails to inspire me. Read it, its really powerful. :')

Sometimes,
I want to open my hijab,
and show the world,
that I too,
am beautiful in the people's definition.

But,
deep down here,
in my little heart,
I know that beauty is by definition,
a mystery.
and it is forever more rewarding,
to be beautiful in God's eyes.

Sometimes,
I want to wear ruffled dresses and tight jeans,
show off what I really look like,
under those baggy shirts and loosely fitted pants,
make a statement,
that I too,
have a figure and worth looking at.

But,
I know better,
to avoid entering the world of men's imagination,
for I love my future husband,
and I am ashamed,
what should be his, has already been unveiled by others.

Sometimes,
I want to show the world,
the other side of me,
the bubblier, bolder, and crazier me.
put myself on display,
for everyone to see,
to be desired, and admired upon.

But,
I know that eyes are not just eyes,
seeing is not just seeing,
image and respect are gained,
shame and humility deserve a better place,

Because in the end,
it is not just about me,
I carry a lot of impressions and expectations,
of what a Muslim girl should be,

I am covered by the word "Islam" the moment I walk out of my door,
So don't be selfish girl,

Can't you put behind your heart's desire for something worth fighting for?

Love is all it takes.
Love.

InshaAllah
adapted from: http://www.iluvislam.com/karya/puisi-kreatif/1498-a-girls-heart-desire.html

yes, love for Allah is all it takes to put on the hijab and dress modestly. Insyallah, I hope my love for Him will last forever. And I pray everyday that all my other friends will open their heart one day to repent. It might not be now but the near future. These things can't be forced. It comes slowly and all you need is constant reminder. So, surround yourself with people who will lead you the right path. Positive vibe will come to you, surely.

And to Nurra Safirah, I'm proud of you. Really am. I proud that you have the intention to repent and become a better Muslimah. Remember, when you already set a good intention, you already get the rewards. So can you imagine if you already do the action, how much reward you gained? However, if you already set a bad intention but you didn't manage to do it, you didn't get any sins at all. I'm glad that you have set your intention right. Insyallah, we will help you in whatever way we can. I will continue to help you, push you, motivate you, advise you in whatever way I can to aid you in your akhirah but I am not in a position to elevate myself in front of anyone else. Amin.

There's a lot more in becoming a better muslimah. SUBMISSION. To submit your entire self to Allah. Its not easy. I could say its difficult. But hey, its worth trying. I'm still learning. I'm not perfect either. I hope whatever knowledge I gain, I could pass on to others and apply it. Oh, I was browsing through Tumblr & something caught my attention.

HERE!:

"Yes, Allah looks at your heart but if your heart is weak enough to not follow through upon it’s belief with actions, then is your heart really worth looking at? Are you saying that as long as I am a Muslim, I can get away with whatever I want and it’ll be fine because Allah doesn’t look at my actions? Be careful, because that is a murji’ belief."

:D

open my heart

2011-09-18T02:06:00.003+08:00

bismillah.

16 September 2011. It was one of the best friday nights I ever had with my sisters. Syahira, Nadiah Hazwani, Musfirah, Su'aidah, Hazirah, Izyan, Aisyah, Ustazah Su'aidah and Ustazah Jamilah. Intially, the plan was to have usrah, syawal edition at mosque. However, we changed plan and head to Su'aidah house which was nearby for our usrah. Had pizza delivery as well. We had our tazkirah and sharing session after so long. Alhamdulillah, everything went smoothly. Each and everyone of us had a turn to talk and let out all our problems. Some cried, some smiled. The best part is, we'll always stand by each other no matter what. The ukhuwah that we forge is stronger than rope. I really learn a lot from these people. They're my pillar of strength and my motivation. We made each other feel belonged. That's why I love them a lot and always pray that Allah bless them with the best happiness and beautiful souls. Masyallah, I won't want to swap anything in this world for them.

16 September also marks a new beginning for me. I shall not say what it is because Ustazah told me, "The best intentions is by actions". Thus, you see my actions then you'll understand what I mean by a new beginning. I pray and hope that Allah will guide me through this journey. I know it will not be easy neither it will be very difficult. I believe with strong faith, heart and intention, this journey of becoming a better person will be smooth sailing. I took a step to make a change because I thought to myself, till when am I going to be acting this way? Each day, I am closer to death. Am I not afraid of death? Am I not afraid of all my past mistakes? Am I not afraid of dissappointing Allah? I thought, its time for me to wake up from my fantasy. "Wake up, Amalina. You're getting older by the day and your sins are accumulating. Aren't you afraid of Afterlife?" I questioned myself eveytime. What makes me reallly convince to change was a hadith from Prophet Muhammad. Its something about do not delay a good action because you never know when you life is taken away. Once I read that, it was a real wake up call to me.

nuff' said. bottom line, I hope other teenage girls like me will open up their heart to change for the better and repent. Once you learn about the values and teachings of Al-quran, I assure you, you'll cry till your tears dry up and you're touched by the beauty of Islam. :')

I did the right thing

2011-08-29T00:47:00.005+08:00

bismillah.

I just remembered that I have not blog about Ramadhan Youth Camp(RYC) which i attended from 19 Aug to 21 Aug. Alhamdulillah. I went to the camp with only a few people that I know BUT after the camp, masyallah, I get to know most of the campers. The ukhuwah(bond) that we forge in just 2-3 days is amazing. I really had a great time during the camp although its very tiring. Its an eye-opener camp. What not? Qiyamulail with brothers and sisters, sahur together, outdoor activities, Night of Power(very very very very inspirational), recitation of the whole quran, break fast together. Its my first time attending such camp and I'm awed. During the NOP, they invited 2 guests who just converted to Islam. Their heart-wrenching story caught my attention. What they've been through is really a challenge and I salute them for trusting and placing high hopes on Allah. Their story really made me sinful as a born-Muslim. Subhanallah. May Allah bless them always and hopefully, open up their family's heart to accept them back. So, here's some pictures which I manage to get. yayyy.

Brothers & Sisters of Islam

With Faruq & Hanafee

Then, the next day, 22 Aug, I didn't came to school because I was too tired from camp. What's worst, 25 Aug was my English Preliminary Paper. English Prelims was so-so. I don't wish to mention anything. I shall just wait for the results. Maths Paper 1 was the next day. Alhamdulillah, the paper was smooth sailing. I hope Maths Paper 2 won't kill me. For now, Prelims is on hold and continue after September holidays. Time to work my ass off to pull my grades back up!

On 26th and 27th Aug, I went to mosque to Qiyam with the Sisters. It was my first time to qiyam at MDM. I would say, 1 night is not enough for qiyam. The feeling of waking up at 3am to perform Solat Tahajud, pre-dawn meal together at 5am, perform Subuh prayer together at 6am and reciting the Holy Quran after prayer is undescribeable. I hope I did get Lailatur' Qadar, insyallah. There's just a peaceful feeling in your heart and you can feel that you're very very very close to God. Subhanalllah. The warmth and presence of the sisters made the whole atmosphere light-hearted. The next day, only a few girls, Su'aidah, Musfirah, Izyan, Ustazah Su'aidah and myself qiyam because it was meant for the boys to qiyam. Nevetheless, the experience was good. I'll definitely miss this part of Ramadhan. :')

I thank Allah for meeting me with these people who not only make me closer to Allah, but also to learn about my religion. I pray that these beautiful people have beautiful souls and heart. I pray that they have a strong heart and faith too. May Allah bless them always. Amin!

The Last 10 Days

2011-08-22T18:52:00.002+08:00

bismillah.

This is it. The last 10 days of Ramadhan. The hardest period of my life. I'm not in a happy state. I've been crying and breaking down everyday. I've been breaking down in my prayers. I'm so dejected but I believe God has already planned everything. Last year, this period, He opens up my eyes and heart. This year, He gave me one of the toughest challenge. Nah, if anything, in these few days, life has done nothing but break me. Rip my heart out of my chest tear it up into the smallest pieces and threw it back onto me as if the pieces were confetti. I was happy once, but now, I'm back being torn apart. Its been terrible.

Broken heart? Check.
Potentially lost a “best friend”? Check.
Been abandoned? Check.
Sacrifice a treasured friendship? Check.
Cried myself to sleep? Check. Check. Check. Check. Check.

The list could go on forever. Trust me. Yet, I can’t sit here and complain about how much my life sucks and how much I miss people and how much I wish my life was back to the way it was before. I can’t. Want to know why? Because God loves me so much that it’s kind of ridiculous.

How do you feel when your best friend turns down on you? That person used to be there for you, be it when you're down or when you're in cloud nine. Now, that person just ignore you like as if you didn't matter anymore. And for that, I feel sad for myself. Sad that I trust people too much to stay in my life but in the end, they turn me down. Well, that's not all. I've got to sacrifice a really really really really treasured friendship just for the sake of my girl best friend. I don't wanna be a hypocrite. I don't want to see my best friend cry and heartbroken for my actions. I don't care if I'm heartbroken or I lost a friendship but it hurts me a lot to see because of me, my best friend is acting weirdly. And so, despite how hurtful and painful it is for me to sacrifice my friendship with that person, how much I will miss calling and texting that person, how much I miss going Terawih with that person, how much I miss our random fights and jokes, how much I miss asking him for help in A.Maths, I've got to make a stand.

My best friend turned me down. I don't want to lose anymore friends. sighm perhaps its just me, myself and I.

Im ashamed to see my friends with my red and puffy eyes, with my dolorous look. Its really difficult. I'm praying to God to make this last 10 days of Ramadhan an easy one. I'm asking for a strong and peaceful heart. I'm asking for a better life, that's all. Insyallah.

so much for beauty

2011-08-07T21:29:00.003+08:00

"People don’t look at your personality first. People judge you automatically by your looks and then try to get to know your personality. But the second they don’t like your looks, they don’t get to know you. That’s how reality is."

I couldn't agree less with this quote. Well, people nowadays are looking for the beauty than the heart, not only for partners but even FRIENDS. I really detest people who finds friends based on looks. Just because that person is pretty/handsome, you would want to get to know him/her. Goddamn it. Get a life. Its not as if that person wants to be born not looking good, its God's creation. Who are you to judge? Just because someone is pretty/handsome, they really DON'T deserve any extra or special attention. It frustrates me to see people are ignored and left alone with no friends just because he/she don't have the looks. So what if your friend has good looks? It will boost your image, reputation and self-esteem uh? That's so self-centred. Its really pointless if your friend has good looks but not a good heart and faith. Its really pointless because your friend is the one that brings you further and further from God and add more sins. Nowadays, pretty girls and handsome boys are getting the attention. That's because they have the looks. Then how about the rest? They are practically thrown aside and people couldn't care less about their feelings.

Gosh, what's happening to this world?
what's happening to my friends? sighhh.

count your blessings

2011-07-24T17:59:00.004+08:00

bismillah.

Its been nearly a month since my last update. This blog is collecting a lot of dust. Oh well what to do. Life as an O'level student. I would rarely have the time to update this blog. So let's see, how's life so far?

Its been rather smooth sailing with a few ups and downs. Praises to God, I'm blessed with good companions. Spending my time at the mosque and religious class is really beneficial. Subhanallah, the mosque youths are like my 2nd family. In less than 6 months, we're bonded like that. I would always look forward to Usrah every 2 Fridays, religious class every Saturday Night & mosque events. It just nice see youths coming together to volunteer and spent time at mosque, for the sake of God. Like one event held recently was Nisfu Syaaban. It was a good start to the month of Ramadhan coming up next week.

Oh, I applied for Direct Poly Admission to SP, for Diploma in Integrated Events and Project Management. I was very fickle to apply because Im not sure if I really want to go Poly after Sec 4. I asked for 2nd opinions from my brothers and close friends. My brothers strongly encouraged me to do so. And I manage to ask Su'aidah's friend who is currently in that course for her views. So, I 'man-hunted' for advices about DPA. And finally, I set down and thought about my future. I questioned myself what career I want in the future. In the end, I applied. I thought there's no harm to just try. Alhamdulillah, I cleared 1st stage cleared. I've got shortlisted for the interview on 1 August. I guess its a blessing from the Ramadhan month! yaaaaaay.

So prelims is coming in about a month's time. Ramadhan is next week. I can't wait! Oh, Ustazah asked me to join the Ramadhan Youth Challenge(RYC) committee but I back out cos Prelims starts the week after the camp. So instead, not to put her down, I volunteered to be the Facillitator for the camp. But still, there's meeting, meeting, meeting. Well, this RYC will definitely be an eye opener for me and widen my circle of friends. Insyallah.

K, I'm done for now. till the next update.

anyway, HAPPY SIXTEEN BIRTHDAY, TIANG SI JIA!
muah muah muah. I love you many many. (;

xoxo,

things have ended

2011-06-19T14:22:00.002+08:00

Its been so long since I last blog and honestly, I'm just lazy to blog and i doubt anyone reads this except for close friends. Lots and lots of things had happened. I basically landed myself in another round of drama and now in a big shit mess. hmm, seriously Amalina? At this stage, I'm suppose to be focusing on my O's and prelims but why the heck am I acting as though I'm taking O'level 10 years down the road? but nevertheless, I got myself into whole lot of drama and I've got to slowly crawl out of this grave.

Firstly, I don't know if i should be happy or sad that you're not disturbing me because we're treating each like total strangers. I don't know if you're lying when you said you've totally moved on from me. Well, what not. you're such a playboy. I know a lot had happened between us but it just hurts and tears my heart apart to see that you never changed after what had happened. You still want to play with people's heart uh? alright, go ahead cos its your life and not mine. I just wish you all the best in your life and the your next girl victim. I know that you're mixing with new group of friends to move on but don't forget your old friends, dude.

Is it wrong to mix with his fellow boy buddies just for a game of monopoly deal? My intention was not to make anyone jealous or anything but just to play MD. & tell me which part of it seems wrong? What happened to you, girl? Why are you siding him than me? why am I being put to blame? I know he is closer to you now but I'm still the same me. I didn't changed. Girl, do know my intentions first before judging please. damn, you're like one of my best girlfriends but you seem like you're on his side. how am i supposed to feel? sigh.

Doesn't it hurt to know that people who were once after you already moved on because they know they can't get you and you're just being so 'hard-to-get'? maybe not a lot but your heart does break a little inside, doesn't it? well jyeah, I DO. Everyone is already moving on with their life. When am I gonna do so? when will I start to wake up and realise that I wasted my time waiting for nothing? if you asked me when, I'll answer it was 3 days ago.

I realised I've really wasted my time and efforts for you. Masyallah. If only I can rewind the time, I would not have wait but deep inside me, there's a voice keep saying, "stay strong and hold on". I tried to cheer myself up by repeating that in my head. I would always pray and cry after my prayers just for you. I told God to give me strength to keep waiting and maybe one day, you're heart might open up for me. I know God heard my prayers but for now, it just became so clear and direct hit in my face, that maybe you're not for me and that I've gotta move on. It hurts very badly that you treat someone very special but they just treated you like a piece of toy; use you when they need you and push you aside when they have somebody else. Frankly, I feel like a stupid girl now cos, I've rejected all the other guys just because of you. Oh well, things have happened but I've just gotta move on and learnt my lessons. I should not have listen to the voice in my head to keep holding on. It was a big mistake. For now, let just say, let time heals this broken heart.

I shall keep this quote close to my heart:
"Jangan memiliki cinta seorang lelaki jika cinta kepada Illahi belum dicapai."

Oh, I've deactivated my Twitter account. Anyway, I doubt anyone noticed it. Let's just give Twitter a rest for the mean time cos that's where my problems starts. Its for my betterment. Maybe I'll create new account after some time.

ok, that was a long post.
bye. Cao.

2011-05-30T20:40:00.003+08:00

I have this fear that one day you're gonna take a good look at me and I'm going to dissappoint you because you'll see that I'm not as strong or as good as you think I am. And I'm afraid that will change the way you think of me. I guess at some point you just got to let go and give what your heart deserves. Letting go is easy because holding on might just tear you apart.

break it off

2011-05-28T23:01:00.003+08:00

it really makes me wonder, why are people so obesseive with life and neglect what's their main purpose of living in this world? this life is just temporary. what's permenant is your life after death. instead, people should prepare themselves for their life after death than enjoying this life like nobody's business. and why the heck are people so busy with their life and never take a step back to reflect? even how bad your life is or how tough the challenges of your life is, that is all temporary pain. I mean, God is definitely not cruel to let you live all your life in misery. If you think you are drown with misery always, I guess you should stop blaming God and people around you instead, look at yourself; change your mentality and mindset. you don't need a pair of arms and legs to be complete. without arms nor legs, you could still live. Its all about the MIND. the mind is the biggest disability of a person.

my saturday

2011-05-22T15:19:00.001+08:00

MDM Sports Day @ Yishun Stadium
Saaaaaaap, I love my Yellow Team!
Siapa kata gadis melayu tak menawan. yay!
Jannah & Nadiah Hazwani

Maulidur Rasul at night @ Yishun Stadium

My Saturday was indeed a very very very very fun day. In the morning at about 8.30am, we had our sports day and my frat house colour is yellow. YAY! There were a few games; Captain's Ball, Fooseball & Relay run. So we played Captain's Ball first and guess what? My team won all the 3 matches and emerged as Champions. I love my girls team cause we bond really fast. Then, proceed on to Fooseball game. The game is weird. Really weird. hah. So this potential-football-player-yang-tak-menjadi scored 2 goals for the team. Unfortunately, Mr Rain started to come and the game ended but we emerged as 2nd place. Contented enough. Once Mr Rain decided to hide himself, we continued with Relay run. This is epic. I was very lazy to do the obstacles so I decided to be the last runner which I just have to sprint 50m to the finishing line. At first, my yellow team was leading but somehow, there's a 'glitch' half way through. So I didn't manage to catch up with the Red team who was leading. Nevertheless, I'm more than happy that my team clinched 2nd place for Relay Run. As for the boy's team, they did pretty well by winning 2 games. yayyy! During the prize giving, the prize giver was asking me, "So are you going to be the next National Athelete?" HAHAHAHAHAH. whuuuut. rigghht. Me being one is like north pole and south pole.

After the sports day ended at 12.30pm, I head home and took a nap till 4pm. Then, washed up and changed. Met Nadiah at 6.30pm to go for Maulidur Rasul at stadium again. We were given the tags to volunteer but we're too lazy so we just end up camwhoring. hah. After Maghrib, more and more people started to flood the stadium. I saw familiar faces. So the syarahan started about 8.15pm. I really benefit a lot from the syarahan. I love how Ustazah Dato Siti Norbahyah preach. Its awesome. Let's see what I took away from the syarahan.

10 'S' to remember in life:
1. Sabar [Patience]
2. Syukur [Grateful]
3. Senyum [Smile]
4. Sedekah [Donate]
5. Sayang [Love]
6. Gurau Senda [Sense of humour]
7. Salam [Greet]
8. Silaturrahim [Relationships & ties]
9. Sakaratul Maut [Death]
10. Syurga [Heaven]

Jyeah. So I remembered vividly what she said and that's a good achievement for me. cheyyy. Alhamdullillah, my Saturday was spent wisely and benefit a lot from the talk. Amin. I'mma happy girl. K, bye.

xoxo,

at the edge of my emotions

2011-05-17T20:25:00.003+08:00

MARINA BARRAGE WITH THE AWESOMEST PEOPLE

So let's talk about the trip to Marina Barrage yesterday. Since its marking day on Monday, we decided to go kite flying after so many failed plannings since last year. Jyeah, so its was a successful outing afterall. I met these people a little bit later as my family still have not finish painting the house. Obviously, they needed my manpower. cheyy. So trained to Marina Bay alone and met them at Marina Barrage. I look like some emogirl95, seriously. Weather forecast said there's gonna be raining and thunder but in the end, there's not a single rain except in the morning. Apparently, like they said, "My Bimbotic Kite" didn't want to fly. So sad. I flew that kite till the strings finished before but yesterday, it was just humble and down to earth. But luckily, there's another kite to fly. Weeeee~ The wind is great. Its super windy. yeah, obviously, we camwhored a lot & thanks to Ms Tiang Si Jia for uploading the pictures and her DSLR cammy. K, bottom line, I LOVE THEM cos' we're awesome people. Not forgetting Ming Hui who was unable to come. Ming, you better come for the next outing, by hook or by crook.

School's starts tomorrow after a long break. This mid-year was really a bad and atrocious one. Every revision I had done for each paper was very last minute. I'm not putting any hopes to even pass with wondeful marks but fret not, there's still prelims and O' levels. Whatever revision I'm doing now is for O'levels, not mid-year. Well, at least I made some progress in my revision. Lastly, the upcoming BIG DAY coming in 13 days is Malay O'level! I've not been reading malay newspapers and news these weeks cos' its all about elections and I'm least interested. K, I guess I'm done. 1 more week of school, then, Malay O'level, then, JUNE HOLIDAYS. yay or nay? I guess preparation for council investiture will take up much of my time. Oh well, but its my last and final project before I step down as Vice-head. I'm so not ready. :/

Bismillah.

I'm at the edge of my emotions. I'm just a weakling, to be honest. I've been bottling up my emotions and problems and only spill it out when I really can't take it or when I break under pressure. Only time will tell. To Allah, I give my thanks for giving me strength and faith to keep going on.
Should I give up on you because you never once fought for me?
Should I give up on you because I'm the only one who's into this?
Should I give up on you because I believe you don't deserve girls like me?
Should I give up on you because I'm the only one who cared for you but you didn't for me?
Should I give up on you because I'm not worthy enough?
Should I give up on you because this is my destiny that Allah has gave?

I'm standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much I can take.

my intention is..

2011-05-14T01:30:00.005+08:00

The Best A Friend Can Get

Hanging out with people like them makes your frown upside down. You'll laugh until your stomach can burst. They're are irritatingly annoying and hilarious. When you hang out with easy-going people like them, positive vibe will come to you easily. *thumbs up* Alhamdullillah, I think I'm blessed with good companions who give support and encouragement to each other when one breaks under pressure. Its these little words that spurs us on with life. So, never underestimate the power of these little words.

Alright, so basically, it has been a routine for me to attend Usrah(Night of Sharing) at the mosque every 2 Fridays of the month. Its been an eye opening session for me. I've been so oblivious to many things around me. And attending Usrah, not only make me more knowledgeble, but I really feel Im closer to God. I'm always looking forward to Usrah because I love the presence of the muslimahs whom are sisters to me. Every single session has never failed to be a bonding and reflective session. At least for now, besides attending religious class, I'm attending Usrah for extra knowledge about my religion. For that, I feel blessed. Masyallah. :')

I always pray that Allah will guide us and never let us go astray. Open our hearts and do everything for His sake.

I'm still doing perfectly fine. No worries.
I'm still alive and kicking. And no, I'm not gonna shut myself down just because of one person. So, take a breather. :D
xoxo,

sentiments of life

2011-05-09T00:16:00.003+08:00

Silhoutte

I saw this qoute on tumblr and it intrigued me.
"Do not mess with someone else's feelings just because you're unsure of yours"
oh well, I just did. what a bitch am I. Was I playing too hard to get? I thought I was doing the right thing. sigh. After every weekend, there's always a new problem came up.

I never meant to start a war

2011-05-07T16:23:00.005+08:00

Hi.

Finally, the killer and torturous 2 paper in a days are over! And it sucha a huge relive and a weight off my shoulders. I was doing last minute revision for every paper. If MYE was O'level, I would have killed myself. So lesson learnt, start preparation early. O'level Malay is coming in less than 3 weeks. GOSH. This is it. The paper. I really don't want to do redo the paper in October/November. I would like to have that 6 periods spent on other subjects from July onwards. Insyallah. An A2, at least.

School's been a hell. After MYE, its mock exam everyday. So this is life as a Secondary 4 student. Till now, I'm still fickle minded where to head to after Sec 4. I've got no course in mind neither JC. The way Ayu told me about JC life really sucks and scare me off. Aiyah, if worst come to worst, either MI or ITE la. hah.

I'm just a girl. You don't have to worry about me. You go ahead and take the next girl dying for your attention. Why do everytime I get close with somebody that somebody just have to leave? why do my heart is so kind to give up my friendship just for the sake of other people's happiness? why do I want to get hurt and cry to myself to bed while the other party is having fun? why do people always have to be jealous? it sucks please. I always have to been the one who gives up what I have. I always have to give in. this is so wrong. I can't go on. I feel that I can't make my own stand. I have the rights and feelings too. Perhaps, i gave in because I just don't want to be a self-centred and stuck up bitch. I don't want to hurt other people. well, now, I just have to pray for my friends' happiness with whoever they're with. I know my attitude is fvck up, you don't have to say.

this is fake

2011-05-01T23:24:00.002+08:00

I'm having exam stress. I'm worried I will not do well. I've got so much to work on. I've got so many chapters to revise and I've got no time. Apparently today, I'll just have to burn midnight oil and sacrifice my sleep. I just took a nap, which I think I was 3/4 awake the whole time. Gosh, this is insane.

I've been breaking down in my prayers again. I feel sinned, really. When will I ever stop hurting people? When will I ever tell the harsh truth? I really have no guts nor the courage to do this. I feel all the bad things happening is a retribution.
Ya Allah, kuatkanlah imanku dan bawalah diriku ke pangkal jalan yang benar.

for now, I've got to pluck all the courage and strength I left for MYE.
yes, I do.

Underneath the stars

2011-04-25T22:16:00.005+08:00

Bismisllahirahamnirahim.

Just to let you know, I had a hard time trying to compose myself before writing this out. Alright, so here we go.

Today marks exactly 4 months of our friendship. Well, this friendship has definitely been quite impactful for me. I really wanna thank you for everything that happened in the last 4 months. I'm sorry if we're just gotta stop till here. I'm sorry if I have ever hurt you in any way. I know I have been not a good friend. I'm sorry if I'm insensitive towards your feelings. I hope you learnt alot from me throughout this friendship. I really hope you will stop playing with people's hearts and stop crushing their feelings. I know you're capable of being a nice person. Boost your self-esteem and confidence. I'm sorry if we can't proceed on because the more we continue, the more hurt you're gonna get. I've got my personal reasons. But all I wanna do is to stop hurting people. I know I've hurt you to a certain extent but at least its better if i do it now than later, which gonna get even worst. You're got better options out there. There's a whole range of beautiful girls you can choose from. Go to them. They deserve you. Not me. You'll definitely move on faster than me. No doubt.

I'm just known for hurting and dumping people. And yes, including you, I've got umpteen records of hurting people. I feel really really bad. I don't know how to face you anymore. But at the end of the day, my feelings is the priority not yours.

"You might regret putting an end to something that once made you smile. You might even cry your eyes out whenever you miss the way it used to be. But remember that time heals almost everything, and the time will come when you’ll no longer cry when you remember it. Instead, you’ll smile and think how better off you are since then."

I need to be strong. I need to be strong. I need to be strong.
I've gotta stop depending on other people. I don't get why I'm not treated the best when I treat them like the best. Life is truly and really unfair. I've just gotta live with it. fug.

I just don't care

2011-04-23T01:33:00.003+08:00

Hey, I'm sorry but honestly, you mess with the wrong girl. You think I'm weak and gullible uh? Now, think twice. I'm know I really sound like a sensitive and heartless bitch with that blunt text. But you know what? Everything gotta stop now before because its really overboard. I'm sorry that I'm not like the other girls. I've got my own ways and today, I made my own stand; to put a stop to your desperate acts. Its still early. I don't want to have the guilty feeling till after O' levels. Life is never fair. So just please accept the fact and move on.

I'm trying to be genuinely happy here. Please stop spoiling my show. get a life, seriously. I'm sick and tired of playing these immature games. Sometimes, you just have to hurt someone so that someone will feel our pain. This ain't revenge, this is simply a lesson to learnt from.

k, bye.

drowning

2011-04-10T21:04:00.005+08:00

This picture from tumblr really explains what im feeling.

I can't believe im in this situation again. I already promised myself to not get involved in this matter. But i guess, everything has been planned by God and i just have to accept it. The tough and indecisive decision has been made. Now, i've got to suck it all back and forget what has actually happened. And now, the decision has been made. I just have to leave the rest to God. Which do you go for - the love of ur heart or the person who loves you? I'm so fickle minded. I don't know which to go for. In the end, im blaming myself for being a stuck-up, selfish, self-centered bitch. Im being hypocritical to one party by betraying his love and hurting him silently. But, i also have the right, don't i? The right to fight for the person i love. How can i move on with life with the person whom i don't have feelings for. Afterall, im just lying to myself and give him hopes. Im just another bitch, going around breaking people's heart. And the cycle goes again. And then again, i've been critisized and look down upon about this matter.

I just need support. I just want people to stop assuming things and believe my words. Mark them. But right now, i've only got a little support and assurance.

i'm swept away by love

2011-04-05T19:09:00.003+08:00

I don't think i know you anymore. Is it me or is it you that is changing? What am i lack of as a friend? I know i can't be as approachable, cool, pretty, understanding as others. I know my mood can be unpredictable and im a troubled young lady. You don't even give a damn about the problems i told you. You took it lightly because my problems don't matter to you as much as other girl's problems. I really don't know what's happening. Can you explain to me? Its like im the only one who puts in a lot of effort in this friendship. My efforts and sacrifices for you was never appreciated instead critisize. Its been 4 months; waiting for you to wake up and care. But no, you don't. Admit it, you just couldn't care less about me. Even if im no longer here, it doesn't makes any difference. Why do i treat you like the best but you treat me like the worst? Life is unfair, true enough. Im weak. I thought i could depend on you to be strong but i got weaker. Prolly, i should get back up myself.

So what should i do now to a one-sided friendship?
Perhaps, being friends with me is such a shame for you, isn't?

I'll live it up to God to decide. But in my heart, i'll always pray for you from afar.

who do you think you are?

2011-04-02T01:08:00.004+08:00

Alright, today is already the 1st April. Besides its my 1st brother's 28th and my grandfather's 84th birthday, it also meant there's 6 more months to O'level. Time flies. This week isn't a good week for me. There's too much anticipation and dissappointment. Guess what? SYF was over 2 days ago and the results are out. And yes, we attained SILVER. If you asked me how i feell about it, honestly, I feel that we're performed a GOLD standard piece. Seriously. So let's talk how SYF day went.

As the date gets nearer to 30 March, we had intensive practices till 6.30pm. It was very intensive. It drilled all our sweat out. In other words, we're like a bathing in sweat literally. Those days were the times I remembered. I admit its tough but what keeps us going was the thirst and hunger to get GOLD. So I woke up at 5am on Wednesday. Prepared my own breakfast, packed my stuff and costume and report to school at 6.30am. Ate bananas, a treat from Yisi. Then, did warm ups. While the whole school was having assembly, we were practicing from 7.30am to 9am. I took the last practice very seriously that I felt too exhausted; feets having blisters, knees and fingers having bruises. Then, changed into costume and did our hair and make-up. I really applaud the teachers for helping us out by ironing our props and costumes. Also, the wardrobe teachers who did our make-up very nicely. Left school at 11.15am. Everyone had free supply of Redbull in the bus. That drink is soooooooo sweet. I could get diabetes. hah. The journey to UCC was overwhelming. I was closing my eyes, playing the whole routine in my head. Once we reached, I wasn't intimidated at all when I saw other schools. Although their costumes were nice and they look confident, it didn't made me feel down at all. So, we were brought to the back stage. That was the most nerve-wrecking moments ever. I can't put it in words how i really felt. Its just blank. And when its time to perform on stage, I was shaking but i did manage to calm myself down. REBIRTH, our dance. I threw everything single energy I have for that final dance on SYF. Everything ended so fast. The 6-minute dance felt like 2 minute dance. After the dance ended, Mr Dandy, our instructor, showed 2 thumbs up and I saw Ms Koh cried. She said, she was touched and moved by the dance that she cried. And, slowly, sec 4 dancers started crying. It was painful to see them in such state. But I know its tears of joy. Everybody felt good and had a big smile on their face.

And so, everybody thought we would get Gold, but we achieved Silver. Not too bad though. When I received the results yesterday, I was stunnned, mental blocked for a moment. I controlled my tears during the workshop and let it go after the workshop ended. Today, our instructor came to talk to us. Damn, his words was so impactful that it made the dance meeting another crying session. gosh.. This SYF meant so much to the sec 4s. We failed to leave a mark to get Gold. But on a happy note, Im glad we'll be able to dance on that STAGE again, on January 2012 for my insturctor's concert. We're forever his favourite school and our dance is GOLD piece in his eyes. Thus, he decide to put our dance as the opening of his concert. Well, now that SYF is over, I learnt a lot of valuable lesson. I learnt to be disciplined. I hope the Sec 1 and 2s would fight for revenge in 2013 to get gold. Fight for us, the seniors. (;

Alright, 2 straight days of crying for SYF is enough. I've got to pull myself together and be appreciative that we maintain our standard. Alhamdulillah.

I kinda agree with Safirah's text. I'm also getting sick and tired of your attitude. Everybody has a damn big EGO. I feel that you're an attention seeker. And yes, your pretty face aren't worth the chase.

XOXO,

beautiful people

2011-03-20T18:21:00.000+08:00

These days, I've been browsing through Facebook profiles. And masyaAllah, I'm so awed by pretty girls. They're so beautiful beyond words. I'm just speechless. Their Facebook picture can have up to 50 likes in just one day. How amazing, is that? That's not all, they are fashionable and I like. Have you ever feel that even though some of their photo are not that nice, its still nice kinda of thing? yeah, their pretty faces just makes my morale down. To be compared to them, I'm nowhere near them la. Don't you just feel ugly about yourself when you see pretty people like that? I do, but I tell myself, everyone is beautiful in their own ways. Maybe some people are just born to have that outer beauty while some are born with the inner beauty. Oh wellsssssss,...

You've hurt me enough. So, stop.

2011-03-16T20:23:00.001+08:00

"The best love story for a Muslim is finding another Muslim who makes their Imaan rise, who makes them want to gain knowledge and become more pious, what is more blessed than that?"
I am so used to pain, I feel nothing anymore. And that, is an even worse feeling. I feel like people come in my life, give me empty hopes, know my weakness, crush them and break my heart to pieces and finally leave me. It has happened umpteen times that I'm used to the pain. And don't blame me if I have a stigma about guys, especially. I have a stigma that guys would just wanna play around with my heart and gain satisfaction. I'm sorry, but that's what I conclude. don't blame me but blame those jerks. I tried to ease that negative thought but it kept coming back because I meet the same people over and over again.

k, guess what. Hear my piece. Honestly, throughout my entire 15 years of life in this planet, I've never been a relationship. yes, NEVER. I'm proud of myself. Call me old-fashioned or whatever names, but I do take relationship seriously. Especially the first relationship. I know many people out there who already had their first relationship and REGRET them. Regret for making such rush and indecisive decisions that time. Regret for being in a relationship that doesn't last long. yes, you may say, "those were the bad times,..". But have you really thought of the after-effect? People nowadays love to rush things; the "KIASU-ISM" spirit. If you don't get to be with he/she, you'll lose he/she forever. I say, that's utter bullshit. That simply impies that you don't believe in God. If it meant to be, then it will meant to be. If its not meant to be, why bother trying your best? In the end, all you get is nothing but maybe, appreciation for your sheer 'hardwork'. Doesn't mean if you have never been in relationship means you're not wanted by anyone. It just mean you're smart and wise enough to think that being in r/s at such a young age is pretty ridiculous. When some of my friends found out I have never been in relationship, they were kinda shocked & I'm surprised by their reaction. And they started telling me, that they regretted being in one, etc.. 2 words I've got to say: NEVER RUSH.

I'm trying my best to preserve my 'first'. I pray that my first would be my last as well. And I pray that the first would be 'The One' as well. I also pray that I won't fall into any short-term relationship. I thank everyone who has been advising and warning me to not be in relationship, especially now. If I were to be in r/s this year, I can just totally forget about O'level, like seriously. I know my limits and people have to accept that. I can't afford to be playful like I used to in Sec 3. At least in sec 3, you can still be in one but not in Sec 4, i guess.

So my agenda of typing this out is,
I'm having a hard time explaining to people why I can't accept them for now. And tada, above is my explanation. So, Kudos to all the single and independent ladies! (;

XOXO,

2011-03-06T22:43:00.002+08:00

let's break down. That's the best way to release everything. why oh why? My Sunday was almost perfect when some people just have to ruin the day. what kind of guy are you? seriously. tsk. Those guys who got so sweet in the beginning, learn about girl's weaknesses. Took control. Got it right. Then throw it to the wall, trashed and scattered. Then walk off. Damn, I'm really confused with your words and actions. Its contradicting.

I'm sorry, but i don't get why everybody is leaving me, specifically, my close friends. Damn, you know I need people like you the most, instead you backfire me. what does this suppose to mean? After all those shits I listened to and argued with, this is how you treat me. If you have somebody else to replace me as your friend, tell me straight in the face. perhaps, I'm not good enough for you. You still have cheek to text me when you already have somebody else eh. damn you, man!

what are words, if you don't mean them.

2011-03-05T23:46:00.003+08:00

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am

bismillahirahmanirahim.

I'm really thankful to god for everything that's happening. My life been a whole lot of chaos and that explains my bizarre behaviour. I know this is a challenge to me and I had to be strong no matter what to overcome this. And I'm grateful that God gave me wonderful friends from madrasah and youth volunteers. Thanks to Kak Syahira, Syaakir, Su'Aidah, Hazirah for helping me in many ways. Only God knows how thankful I am to have them. They've helped me a lot, especially in terms of religion. Thanks to them, I've been to the mosque more often. And I felt good coz I'm finding peeace at heart. I went for Usrah and gained a lot of knowledge. It was all girls and I love the bond we had. So, I've been going out with Kak Syahira lately. I love her very much and I owe her a big time for helping me. May Allah bless her always.

Remember the previous blog post, I mentioned about blessing in diguise? yes, I believe God has His intention to give me a really special friend in times of need. I swear I was realllyyyy extremelyyy down at one point of time till I broke down a lot of time. Then, came this friend of mine. Subhanallah, he really have a pure heart. I could really sense his sincerity to help me. And to be honest, he's the first guy that I met who is faithful and practice Islam religiously. Im awed by his knowledge of Islam and how he always reminds me about Allah. Now, I really feel closer to God. Thanks to my fellow friends. And Masyallah, I don't know how much we have impacted on each other's lives, but I know its just huge.

Lesson learnt:
Don't ever think you're not good enough or perhaps,your life is the worst. Coz eventually, you'll find your way out. Everything that happens in our life has already been planned by God. And we just have to believe in them. So no matter how hard life pushes you, insyallah, God knows what He's up to and he won't give a challenge to someone if He knows you can't make it. All you need to remain strong and help yourself first by praying to God. Then, try to at least find people you trust, to pour out your problems. Don't be hurt/sad if something didn't happen. It just means something better is coming your way. You've just gotta believe in yourself and that's how self-confidence will develop. I hope this helps anyone who reads this but at the same time, as i typed this out, this serves as a reminder to me.

"Stay out of ALL affairs of the world. Concentrate on the relationship between you and God. Only you, and God." - Advice from Ustazah.

I'm still despondent, but I'm blessed.

my love

2011-03-01T22:59:00.002+08:00

LOOK AT HOW MY LIL RASCALS HAVE GROWN. THEY'RE GONNA GROW UP AND BE A HANDSOME MAN. THEY MADE MY DAY SO MUCH.

down in dumps

2011-02-26T00:02:00.002+08:00

you know how i feel right now? I feel sucky. I feel that the world is just right on top of me waiting to break and crush me. I'm at the edge of the line. At any point of time, I could just break. I just hate getting myself into this kind of situation. Its simply sucks big time. It gave me Deja Vu all over again. I went to usrah(night of sharing) at the mosque just now with the other youths. Ustaz sent me home under certain circumstances. As I walked home, I began to wonder and ponder about my life. I was just walking aimlessly. I knew I could reach home in 3 mins but I walked to don't know where, stopped, sat down at some bench, started pondering and reached home 20 mins later.

My mind was confused and lost. Everything happened at the same time. I needed somebody that time but .. nevermind. I guess I need more time alone by myself than with everyone else. I looked up in the sky, there were stars. They were shining brightly and twinkling. That was just beautiful beyond words. Ironically, that God's creation made me calmer. I said to myself, why am I being so pitiful and so weak? So weak till the extent I can't be indenpendent. Sigh. Reached home at 11.30pm. My mum would have nagged at me but she didn't.

On the other hand, I guess its a bleessing in disguise in the midst of melancholy. Isn't it beautiful that out of nowhere, you became friends with this person of the same interest and you're just clique with that person? I really find this beautiful and extraodinary. Its like strangers become friends. I really am grateful that such people enters my life. When you're down, you've got them on your back. That person to me is an awesome friend. The friendship grows and blossom even more when we share same interest and mindset. Truly, this is magnificent. Alhamdullillah.

XOXO,

Dear Me, Myself & I,

2011-02-12T23:35:00.003+08:00

Dear Me,

I’ve noticed that you’ve been getting pretty impatient and feeling negative all the time. You’ve been the happy smiley person on the outside but deep down on the inside you’re feeling depressed, gloomy and all morose. Don’t you think it’s time to change things? Time to be the happy smiley bubbly person on the inside as well as the outside.

You need to stop punishing yourself for past mistakes and things that aren’t your fault. Stop taking things personally and ignore nasty remarks people throw at you to put you down. You need to strengthen your faith and be less sensitive.

You need to have some chocolate perhaps, spend time and chill out with friends, read, dress up nice and etc. You need to smile. Find reasons to smile and if you can’t, make reasons to smile, make other people smile. It will make you feel good.

I’ve noticed that you need to let go of everything that’s been holding you down. stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with life. Maybe do something for yourself, instead of doing everything for everybody else and never doing something just for you. Please, this is for your own sake, Amalina.

Push yourself. Try something new. Be Positive.

All The Best!

XOXO,
ME

<3

2011-02-10T20:40:00.002+08:00

things change, friends leave, life doesn't stop for anybody.
As I grow older, my realisation about life becomes deeper. Situations become more complicated.

crown of love

2011-02-06T18:24:00.004+08:00

everything is changing now. everybody is trying their best to stand out from the rest. everybody is getting more gullible and blind these days. everybody is going for the luxury. everybody is going looking for the looks than the heart. everybody is trying to be perfect. everybody is trying to look pretty/handsome when they are already decent the way they are. everybody is forgetting who they really are. everybody is trying to fit in wherever they can. when they finally get a chance to fit in, they'll leave the people that care about them and go to people who don't care about them.

people should start being grateful with everything we receive or encounter, be it good or bad. what's becoming to this world with people being not grateful? Perhaps, the world is really ending soon. I observed and learnt that gratitude is very important. Being grateful to God is the most essential to one’s well-being in life.

Its very disappointing to see people around me not grateful for what they have. I mean you have everything in life yet you're still complaining about it. You have friends all around you yet you said nobody is there for you. please be goddamn grateful can? There are some people who don't even have circle of friends and have nobody to turn to. People should also stop taking people for granted just because you know they always gonna be there for you. Stop being complacent and thinking everyone belongs to you. Just because you're the centre of attraction, doesn't mean everyone likes you. They just don't know your flaws yet. And for that, please be grateful that they don't know and remains clueless.

"A heart filled with thankfulness has no room for self-pity or despair. With the proper understanding of praise and thankfulness to God in every circumstance, one can find contentment and allow their hearts to find peace."

Ya Allah,
I ask You to strengthen my iman and those around me.
I ask You to soften my heart and to soften the hearts of the Believers.

piece of shit

2011-02-04T22:17:00.003+08:00

damn, I'm so angsty right now. I don't get why you must pester me till now. I mean, seriously what you want from me? I'm done and sick of entertaining you. I thought when I changed my phone number, at least some things would resolved. What have I done to deserve all this shit. There's just different kinds of people out there. I'm sorry but because all these people, I'm distancing from everyone. I'm sorry if I'm getting more reserved now.

I just hate it when people come into my life suddenly, and expressed everything out and expect something in return from me. Frankly, I've got no time nor interest being in relationship. What tense me up the most is that some people just don't fvuking get the meaning of "being alone". I'm not trying to play hard to get here, but I'm just priotising what's important first. & what's important now is my studies. And I swear nobody understands this. Don't come telling me I'm a heartless creature if you're heartbroken. In the first place, you should not have put hopes on me. Well, i guess almost everybody knows my previous story(I'm still clueless how the story spread). I don't need you to act like some kind of hero to save me from another heartbreak. I'm sorry but I'm allergic to your endless sweet talks which doesn't flatter me at all. I'm goddamn done and annoyed with these. PERIOD.

Shall go and count to ten, calm myself down.

broken arrow

2011-02-03T14:55:00.003+08:00

I'm learning to be strong again. Ever since the day my little rascal nephew hit my head hard, said sorry with his sweetest smile ever, I began to realise life is not all being sad. Truly, this little nephew of mine taught me lots about life. His smiles, especially. Ever since that day, I knew I had to live my life happy and I'm proud I did it. Every single day, I would put a smile on my face and just laugh like its the last. Although there's just some people who pisses me off, I told myself that's just a test from God. Laughter is definitely the best medicine to sadness. Cos' I've proven it. It takes a positive mind, a strong heart and a great company of friends to be happy. just happy.

But behind those smiles, only true friends can see beyond them.
see it through my eyes,.. you'll see it never shines like it used to.

I'm battling a war between my heart and mind.
XOXO,

2011-01-29T22:11:00.005+08:00

I'm always torn between wanting to tell my story to everyone and let them know everything; exactly what's on my head or keeping it to myself. The problem is being outwardly unhappy always is pushing people away, no matter how much they always there to listen. There's only so much a best friend can listens to. Coz they end up getting bored with my never ending problems. On the other hand, keeping everything to myself and pretend everything is fine is posioning myself inside out. So which is better? To have friends thinking you are melodramatic, seeking attention and pessimistic or to drown yourself in your own mind?

Another thing, I don’t trust guys that much anymore. I have this perception that they are all the same. They try to make you fall for them with their sweet talks and faux hugs. Then after a month or two, when they find someone better, they’ll leave you. They won’t even mind how hurt you will be. yes, you may say " 1 fish doesn't equal to 5 fishes". But because of that's life, because of one rotten apple, the whole basket of apples are affected.

What I am to you is not what you mean to me. I don't mean a thing to you, I know. I'm not cool as others. I'm not the kind of friends you want. I know all that. I can take hints. I'm sorry, but I'm just lost & you're not saving me. Instead you're drowning me.

Here comes the tears and the breakdown..

True Strength

2011-01-26T21:36:00.002+08:00

Ya Allah, I pray to you to increase my patience, strengthen my faith and help me walk through this difficult journey. Many a times I forget Your presence, many a times I choose to walk the wrong path and I have never thank You enough. Sure I do say Alhamdulillah, whenever I can but it would never be enough. Your holy words have touched me. Your signs amazes me. But why do I still choose to follow my corrupted heart and do things that I am not supposed to? I pray to You to not only help me but also my family members who might also feel in despair at times(I may never know). Let's not stop at only family, I pray to You for everyone I've known or I have yet to meet. Ya Allah, please forgive me for not adhering to Your rules. I have been bad for not listening to You but I am trying my best here. And lastly, I believe that You will be the One who will decide who I will be married to. Let him be the person who will continue to guide me to walk in the rightful path and the one who always remind me of You. Amin Rabbil Alamin.

I asked for a new heart to replace this old broken heart.
I'm still in doubt where is my heart now. I don't know who it belongs to,..

if you don't mind,..

2011-01-21T20:46:00.003+08:00

I think people forget that I have feelings too. And you, I feel you should really shut the fvuk up. Your comments and insults on me just aren't needed ok. You should stop insulting me behind my back. Have the guts and spill it in my goddamn face, arsehole. Stop acting childish if you're truly not happy with me. How heartless can you be? You know, I should not really care about people like who waste my time and mood. Insensitive people who goes around insulting other people as and when you like it. Sadistic or what. Just go get a life. I know mine is better than yours, that's why you're jealous. You totally ruined my whole week.

I feel I need everyone more than they need me. I admit we're all are hiding something and we all have the reasons for hiding it, right. K, I don't want to talk more about it. I'm off.

If God is willing,..

2011-01-20T21:32:00.002+08:00

Ya Allah, one day, its gonna be my last day. I know its coming short. Each day, I'm getting nearer to that date. I'm not prepared neither ready. But I've prepared a letter. I always pray that He will make our journey in life easy for us and guides us along the way. I pray for all that we have the happiest life, one in which we are forever grateful. If God is willing,.. Open our hearts, eyes and mind, is all I ask. Everyday I cry on prayer mat, only God knows the pain He gives me as a test. We just gotta endure, don't we? I hope my iman is with me, insyallah. Amin.

"The calmest heart is the heart that always remembers Allah"

Sec 4 Stress

2011-01-14T20:31:00.012+08:00

I'm looking down at the mess you've created and I can't believe I've been so unhappy for so long.

OMG, I've been abandoning this blog since the start of the year. Yes, I'm super duper busy like that. Now, week 2 is finally over. Its only 2 weeks of school, all the Secondary 4s are stressed. Yes, I'm amongst them. Its only 2nd week, there's already about 4-5 tests. Finally, I knew how the seniors actually felt being a Sec 4 student. But the seniors made it seemingly easy to go through sec 4. Just like Mrs Rupesh said, we've got 9 months to O' levels. Ok, that's like being pregnant! Schoolwork is mad crazy, so let's talk not about it. As for Dance SYF, practices been good and awesome. The reason I enjoy them is because I get to release my stress and tension while dancing. At least, I made it a point to give 100% during dance. Thanks to Fion Lee and Yan Ling who I could rely on during dance. As for Student Council, today is exactly a month before Valentine's Day. We have not plan what to do, but for sure, not baking of cookies anymore. We wanna make a change this year. Nevertheless, meetings after meetings.

On the other hand, I'm not in a good health and endless problems bombarded me in just 2 weeks. Now, my pimples are all coming out! Prolly due to stress or not enough sleep. And I'm grateful that I maintain at 156cm and 45 kg (I admit I eat a lot, a lot, a lot!) K, I think my camera is flooded with pictures so I better upload it. I'm too lazy to create an album to upload on FB. So, upload here la. HEEEE.

CCA ORIENTATION, last Saturday.

Amirah Imran dropped by!

Last Sunday, at Stabucks, finishing up our Glogster

K, done!
I'll update this when I'm free, I doubt I am.
HAHA.

I’m just really happy lately, and I’m beginning to realize that happiness truly comes from within and once you appreciate and look forward to the little things, things can only get better.

XOXO,

Adapting to 2011

2011-01-03T11:28:00.005+08:00

The Red & Blue Days

I've got my Red and Blue days. I shall tryout other colours next time eh. Oh wells, 2011 just arrive about 3 days ago. I swear I'm not ready to leave 2010. There's still a lot of questions unanswered and problems unsolved. To me, the phrase 'whatever happens in 2010, stay in 2010' is pointless coz the past wil still haunts you somehow in the future. Ok, basically my New Year was spent facing the homework. Then, the next day, went Lower Seletar with Asheera and Nazihah to hang out since it has been so longggggg we all met and catch up. I love them very much. Yesterday, sunday, my nephews came over and we went kite flying at the Woodlands open field near S'pore Sports School and Christ Church. That's like mini Marina Barrage. Yesterday's weather was windy. It was a perfect day to fly kite. I'mma happy kid that my Batman kite fly and soar up into the sky. heeeee. I just have to go kite flying yesterday. It helps me to release my sorrows, especially before school starts. I better make sure I'm not out of form.

Tomorrow, school starts and my homework is undone! I'm screwed. K, I can do this. I'm 3/4 through my homework! yes.

And I'mma a Happy Kid for the day.*smile widelyyyyyyy*

I slept at 3am this morning after I had a THE talk. I'm sorry but I can't accept you for now. I'm not the old, naive Amalina. You don't have to prove it to me, you can prove it to other girls. Its still the same.

Ya Allah, thank you for the awesome day yesterday.
Ya Allah, make 2011 a smooth sailing year for me and everybody else.
Ya Allah, grant me the strength I need to pull through these challenges.

XOXO,

A bad ending.

2010-12-31T16:30:00.003+08:00

"At some point, you realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. Its not like you're giving up on them and its not like you shouldn't try. Its just you have to draw the lines of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be"

I don't have the right words to explain how I feel right now. It seems so messed up and confused. I've got 2 separate major problems in my mind. I've got to settle them myself, no matter what happen. I've learned that I need to stop depending on other people to make feel good. I've got to stop sharing and burden my friends with my problems when they themselves have their own problems to solve. I'm not doing justice to them at all. Everyone is going separate ways. So am I, or perhaps, I'm going the furthest from everyone else. I don't feel good when everyone knows my problem. It seems you're attracting attention. So, yes. I shall keep it to myself. Only between me and God. One by one, I'm losing all my bestfriends and friends. Don't pretend that I don't, k. Everyone needs a break from me. I totally get it, why. Its ok. I'm just far more dissappointed and upset than I seemed to be.

I'm done being toyed/played with players.
I'm done being used as a temporary friend.
I'm done being accused for no valid and logical reasons.
I'm done being unappreciated.
I'm done being the third party of every relationship. (4th time, and counting. -.-)
I'm done being cheated/lied upon.
I'm done falling in and out of love.
I'm done having faith and trust in everyone.

my face is a backstabbing bitch face, right.
At the end of the day, don't ask if I'm okay, cause I'm doing just fine. ty.

I hold on to my principles. I don't wanna celebrate countdown. Coz I believe by celebrating countdown I'm doing a big sin and being hypocritical towards my religion. For Islamic New Year, not many people celebrate it at the mosque. tskkk.

XOXO,

Just what I need, the most.

2010-12-30T13:50:00.001+08:00

I realised I have not post up my Christmas post. Its almost a week ago. ok, so here we gooo!

Its Christmas. I spent my christmas very well with fellow youth volunteers at mosque. So, I left house at 9am. Had a short briefing regarding the Amazing Race for the facilitators. And i was attached with Nadiah Hazwani, Musfirah, Seri and Jannah. I feel so old amongst them cause I'm the oldest while they're 13 and 14 year-old kids. The AR started off somewhere around Yisun and slowly, we proceed to Causeway Point to Tampines to Kembangan to East Coast Park. So my role was to take care of my group members at all times. It was pretty easy managing my group because they are like my sisters. The best part was cycling in the rain. We were at Masjid Kassim mosque at Kembangan when there's a heavy downpour. Despite the rain, we proceed to our next station which is to rent a bike and cycle to East Coast Park. Once we reach ECP, we must find somebody. I swear it was the toughest station because ECP is flooded with many people having picnic and it was drizzling. With a lot of people cycling, skating, roller-blading, walking, we had a hard time to find the person.

The person was actually Syaakir who purposely crouched down behind a seat and face the sea. Well, completed the Amazing race and my group emerged 3rd. We could have gotten 2nd place though but those boys were more vigilant. But still, I'm glad we made to the end point safely.

It ended at about 6pm and there was a bus that brought us to Darul Makmur Mosque. But apparently, it was not big enough to accommodate everyone. Actually, it does but that bus driver simply so stubborn saying only 1 seat to a person. Like hello, girls are have smaller butts and we can share. But he's so "ajdbfhf". K, words to describe him. So all Facis and committee had to go down the bus. Waited for about half an hour and we took lorry back. The lorry was small and 6 people had to squeeze at the back. I had a great journey back with them. We kept teasing Kak Su'aidah being the KL ticketing lady, inside jokes. HAH. I was the youngest there and Bro Taufiq said that lorry is only NC16. I swear he was a pain in the ass. Hah, for the whole journey, there's a lot of laughters. The journey back home was bumby, my butt was in pain. I was sitting in a an uncomfortable position. In addition, it rains. We can even share a McSpicy in all those conditions.

Reached mosque, Dina and Atiqa already went back home. They didn't went for BBQ. I went to Ainul's house which was nearby to get changed from wet clothes and met up Kak Su'aidah afterwards. Had BBQ food for dinner. I swear it fattening. Bro Taufiq kept asking people to guess my age and people guessed I'm 17/18 years old. Righhht, I'm only FIFTEEN, pls. After BBQ, we had an impromptu informal debrief session. It started out only a few of us, then more and more joined in. Camwhored at the Youth Hub. Then, Went home at 11pm with the rest. *newsflash. Kak Zahra told me she's coming back to Orchid Park sometime in May/June for 5 weeks to teach Biology. yay. awesome. I hope she'll take our class. heh.

I reallyX100 enjoyed my day with all the youth volunteers. I got new friends and bond with the rest. Wider circle of friends. Ironically, most of them were shocked I'm Fadzil's sister. K, pictures with Kak Zahra. sooon. :D

being unlucky

2010-12-27T23:11:00.004+08:00

I simply need somebody to understand me. Just goddamn understand my situation. I'm really sick of putting other people's feelings first than myself. I thought why am I doing that favour. Its because I'm doing the favour out of a really treasured frienship that I don't want to lose. But apparently, I have friends in my friend list that would like to see me fall. What did I do to deserve this shit? You know I'm kind of sick living in this kind of situation where everything I do, I'll be judged. Most of the time, I'll be judged wrongly. My intention was to help but other people think the other way. I'm pissed that nobody appreciate what I've done and what I've sacrifice just to see them happy. Truly, I am living in a cruel and heartless world. I choose people to confide in depending on the situation. I'm sorry if you are the person. Perhaps, I should just go solo and be a loner. Even my friends don't want me to fall in love neither they want me to have a guy best friend. 4 hours of crying. I'm done. My eyes is very swollen. I need my best friends, but circumstances, just don't allow.

AMALINA totally needs a better life. or perhaps, Get A Life & stop bugging into other people's life.

so many scars and bruises

2010-12-25T01:37:00.003+08:00

Sometimes you just want to put other people’s happiness before yours. Because you love them, because they deserve it. Sometimes you want to go out of your way for other people just because you know that it’s important that they get a chance to smile once in a while. Yes, you deserve it and why are you pushing your chance away. Stop living in denial. I'm done getting labeled everytime. So, I suggest you go and grab your chance before its too late to turn back.

Don't worry I'm not pretty at all. No guys will fall for me, trust me. So you should just stop being paranoid. I'm living my own life solo, independent. Don't worry about me falling in love with someone. Coz this heart is close. But instead look at yourself, how lucky you are. You're amazing, just the way you are. (:

Ya Allah, please grant me the strength I need.
I need a new heart. Not this broken and heartless heart anymore.
If I'm gone one day, open their hearts and minds to read the notes in my Iphone.

Ocean too wide enough

2010-12-20T21:08:00.004+08:00

For me, true love is when you love someone for the sake of ALLAH, you help each other here in the Dunya cause you want to meet again in Jannah.- Finally, I get what my religious class teacher meant. If God is willing, one day. Keep your iman high, Amalina.

K, let me update about my life eh. Blog seems so emo-ish. I don't like, you know! heh. So, I finally managed to catch Narnia last Thursday with SiJia, Ming Hui, Nazihah & Yazid. yay! I love the movie series. It was kinda sad at the last part. After movie, head down to Orchard with SiJia and Yazid. Walked around those shopping centres till my legs are like jelly. Christmas lights all over the places & I'm amazed. I swear if I have the money, I would have shop till I drop. Speaking about shopping, my family is going holiday this coming friday. Damn, I'm gonna miss it. I wanna go KL and SHOP. Its been like 5 years? I really want to go, but everything just clash, with council and dance. Damn! home alone again.

The next day, I had dance which I came late. My whole body was aching & i was totally out of form. HAH. For the first time. My weekends was spent at home doing homework and catching up on tv series. Finally, I pay back my last day of fast on saturday. So I'm don with paying back my fast. On Saturday night/Sunday morning, I slept at 5am after doing maths paper. I think my brain is more active at night, really. Sunday was rather mundane at first. Rest/slacked at home. Dinner at Botak's Favourite @ Woodlands. The food was a veryyyyy big portion. I only ate half of my meal. Then, went to 1st brother's house to visit my nephews. Irritating but cute as usual. They totaly made my Sunday. HEH.

And today, Monday, I had dance practice. Today was the 2nd last practice for the year. Ran around the 2nd level for 7 rounds and went for dance for an hour. The rest of the time was pollishing up the dance. We even recorded our dance and viewed it on the projector. It was very hilarious! I can die of laughter. Then, stayed back til' 5pm for CCA Orientation dance.

Oh whyyyyy is everybody travelling overseas?! I really envy them. K, my homework is only half done. I need a study partner, please! :D

XOXO,

the signs are coming

2010-12-17T22:40:00.003+08:00

“What person can be the best friend?”
“He who helps you remember Allah (SWT), and reminds you when you forget Him,”
I love that quote. I've yet to find a true bestfriend. Insyallah. You know, as 2010 is coming to an end soon, in about 2 weeks, I've been daydreaming and do a lot of thinking. I don't know why, but I tend to do that. Like after I've exercise, I'll sit down one corner to cool down myself & my mind just went somewhere else. Or when I do my homework, my mind was not at ease and its everywhere. There's a lot in mind but there's ONE thing that really triggers me, DEATH. Somewhere deep inside me, thinks that my life is short, very short. I don't know why, perhaps its a sign from God. When I perform my prayers, I felt a different feeling. A feeling which is difficult to put in words. And trust me, I keep crying and crying on prayer mat. My heart just feel so weak and soft. But even if I have leave, I've wrote a long letter. kay, nevermind about that.

I find being a girl is troublesome. Sometimes, I wish I'm a boy so that I don't have to deal with complicatd girly problems - hatred, misunderstandings, jealousy, beauty. Everything under the sun. Boys don't have such problems. urgh. I also don't have to deal with heartbreaks or get my heart played like a fool. Girls move on slower than boys. Boys might just take about a month or two, but girls can take years. Why the difference? Furthermore, being a girl, if you got the beauty or the brains, or both, you'll be envy by others. There's just a lot of people out there who wants to see you fall and break apart. Jealousy, all over. Afterall, having a beautiful or cute face, isn't so much of good. k, how about tomboy eh?

Someone who truly cares,..

2010-12-11T17:32:00.004+08:00

As 2010 coming to an end, I'm starting to reflect and ponder about how things have went through out the year. The happiest moment and also the saddest moment in life. The ups and downs of 2010. I admit to say that this year was an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. They say when you're 15 years old, its the turning point of your life, either you break it or make it. What I have to say is, I barely make it and almost break it this year, but thank God, I'm on my way to Sec 4 life. I'm predicting 2011 gonna fly pass like a bullet train. Furthermore, its my crucial year, where the BIG FAT 'O' levels seems to appear. Of course, I can't afford to mess 2011 up. I've enjoyed enough in 2010, getting the happy moments and risked my life for stupid reasons. Bottom line, 2010 is another great year.

I've aged a year older this year and I've learnt a lot of lessons. I've learned that either you control your attitude or your attitude controls you. I've learned that in life, you can't always be kind, sometimes, you've got to stand up for yourself. I've learned that you need to have a strong principle and vision in life, so as to not be led astray and have your own standing point. I've learned that maturity has more to do with the experience you've had and lesson learnt from them, than how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned that quality is more important than quantity when it comes to friends. I've learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken, the world won't stop for you. You've got to live, move on and find the rainbow. I’ve learned that backgrounds and circumstances might have influenced who you are, but we are responsible for the people we become. I've learned that you can't make people change in an instance. The change comes from within. I've learned that 'love' has a lot of meaning but it loses its value when over-used or not sincere. I've learned that you've got to believe in God's fate and destiny. If a relationship isn't meant to be, you've got let go. When you hold it even longer, it can get worst than you ever thought. I've learnt that you don't reminisce about the bad past cause the bad past won't care but just hurt you more. And most importantly, I've learned that no matter how old or wise you are, life never ever stop teaching.

To these girls,
I hope you can differentiate the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. Every girl dreams for a happy ending. BUT maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy. Maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the broken pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Or maybe happy ending is just about moving on, but never give up on hope. This might apply to you in the future, perhaps in 5 years to come. Promise me that when you pick the boy you’re really going to be with, that he’ll be someone who respects you and treats you well, like a gentleman. Never use your heart on picking whom to love. Use your brain first. Your heart comes after. :D

When my mood to blog a long, cheesy post comes, appreciate it and read it, k. It takes time for me to put the right words. yeah..

XOXO,

my favourite girl.

2010-12-05T21:48:00.006+08:00

Check out the man at the back.
Vanity comes with a price, YO!

You can count how many moles I have.
I got FREAKING FIVE moles on my face.

Went out with my favourite girl, Safirah, today. She texted me to accompany her shopping at Bugis. Its rare for this girl to go shopping, so when her mood comes, why not accompany her since she's becoming a dainty lady. heh. Walked around bugis, trust me, I think I already memorised all the shops there. I felt good after splurging out some money. I think I'm in love with the Superman High-Cut shoes. I wish i could have a wardrobe full with that shoes. Its so colourful. After hours of walking, head down to Iluma, Coffee Bean, since Starbucks is full. Then, bus-ed home. Overall, it was a good day, great Sunday!

Tomorrow, CLASS BBQ at Pasir Ris. Just see if I'll turn up. Dance practice in the morning gonna be like a hell, again.

I watched Taken online yesterday. I know I'm kinda slow watching it, but its a great movie. I love the storyline. Moral of the story: Don't let your daughter travel overseas without adults.

I kinda love watching soccer match, ya know. I'm not looking at theirs skills but their looks. Philipines footballers are good-looking. :D

XOXO,

I'll meet you halfway,

2010-12-03T21:44:00.003+08:00

I can really relate to the above quote. Its personal. But hey, I'm proud to tell myself, I can live without him. Well, its a slow process & I'm trying to be patient. When you're in situation like this, the phrase " Time will Heal " really means a lot. I'm moving on and gonna get stronger now like finally. I'm just waiting for one day that I can really forget everything that happened between us.

Today's dance practice was a hell. Everyone's not co-operating, the whole dance was messy and instructor was not in a good mood. Standing in front and center is pressurising for me. Been repeating the whole dance routine for the umpteen times. But the best part was, although I was fuming mad with the lack of commitment others gave, I managed to control myself and endured the whole routine. Not only that, the bruises on my knees and blisters on my feet added to pissed off mood. We were lectured by instructor again & again. I'm really enduring this, but I'm just mad that others don't take this SYF so seriously.

And yes, its December. The whole month of December is fill with dance practices. Oh well, at least it keeps my stamina up and boosting. Been running everyday, for at least 10 mins. No matter how busy or how lazy I am, I will run. Self-dicipline, that's all. Last SYF, I'm gonna give 150%.

Now, QC just pass everything down to me to do Sec 1 Orientation while he is enjoying Korea. Naiseeee. I'm riding solo. With the limited time, I hope I can do this. argh.

XOXO,

2010-12-03T20:14:00.002+08:00

This lil nephew of mine gonna grow up and become a handsome man, I swear. He's so sweet to me, till I can melt. :D

if I'm not the one,

2010-11-30T21:30:00.002+08:00

The power of eyes can kill. But, I doubt mine can kill you.

when do I move on?

2010-11-29T23:51:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, it’s better to hide your feelings than to burden someone else with them. Sometimes, you have to hide all your emotion and not let anyone know how you feel or what you are thinking. Although things are not fine, you've got to smile and pretends everything is fine. You know why?.. Cause that's the only way to save yourself from another heart break. I know I've been burdening everyone with my problems. I should not have done so. Ended up, they're either getting worried about me or pissed of about what happen. What kind of friend am I, if I made them feel that way? Its no justice to them at all.

Bottom line, I'm sorry. I should just keep everything to myself.
And just let time tell the story itself.

now, eveyone knows my story. I just have to blame myself for it, right?
sigh.

I love the joys we had

2010-11-24T19:12:00.003+08:00

Marina Platform has transform to become like this. The last time I saw it was during YOG. Aww, I miss the stage, the reflecting pool where we dance on the water, the backstage, basically the whole thing. The practices we had at Pei Hwa sec & Mandai camp were memorable. I remembered I walk past there 2 weeks ago and captured this. I sat down and was in deep thoughts alone. YOG is a very big part of me, very. k, YOG, I miss you alot.

Birthday Girl

2010-11-24T17:50:00.003+08:00

HAPPY 15th BIRTHDAY TO IRDINA!
I gave her a PINK stabucks tumbler and a photoframe of our picture. So yes, there you go, the birthday girl. Hope you like it, babe. ;D

Celebrated her birthday at NYP. NYP lectures are kinda of cool. We joined in the Food Science Year 2 class. I find the lecture is interesting. I could understand what the lecturer was teaching because they are somewhat related to Biology. We learnt about Vitamins just now & it can be link to blood platelets(prothrombin, fibrinogen etc) After lunch, we escaped from the 2nd lecture. Yes! Head to Northpoint and I bought my RED heels! yay. It was on a 50% discount. why not buy it? HEH. And lastly, I'm all prepared for Prom Night tomorrow, from head to toe. Thanks to everyone who borrows me the items. ;D

EXCOs, tomorrow is the day. We can do this. Tmr is the 2nd big event for us.
Let's work together tmr & I can't wait to see everyone dress up in their outfits. heh!

XOXO,

2010-11-24T17:34:00.000+08:00

"I think the problem is that I’m stuck waiting for him to do something, to make a move, to say the perfect thing.
And the problem is that I shouldn’t be that girl, the one who sits and waits for him. I should be independent. I should think clearly and consistently without having my mind jump straight back to him. Yeah, falling for someone like that is the hardest thing to do. And the stupidest thing is that the thing standing in my way is fear of losing him, the fear of rejection, the fear that I might lose a friend that means everything to me. I want to be everything to him, but I’m not. I’m not the kind of girl he needs, and I’ll never be that girl."
-Unknown

I know her story

2010-11-23T21:01:00.003+08:00

Nowadays it’s hard to find a good person. It’s hard to find a person to talk to, someone who will just listen and not judge you, someone who will just take you as you are. We let go the people we love cause we believe they are destined with someone else aand we think that we are destined with someone else besides them. Its a very simple statement that its hard for people to accept. I don't know why my heart sinks and I got angry with myself when I saw her commenting and flirting at your profile. God, this ain't easy at all.

I'm trying to live like normal, but.. sigh. Since Day 1, I believed that if its meant to be, then it will. But my patience is running low and my faith in you is fading. Touch your heart, be truthful.

I know I don’t have the prettiest face for you to look at, or the skinniest waist for you to hold, but I promise I do have the biggest heart to love you with. ♥

2010-11-19T00:37:00.001+08:00

Damn, I need to talk badly. Please give me a hug cause i really need one.

Hari Raya Haji

2010-11-18T21:47:00.003+08:00

SALAM AIDILADHA!

In the morning, I volunteered with other youths at mosque with the slaughthering of lambs. It was a usual routine, each year. Hee. After all those, I smell like a lamb. urgh. Head home, take a nap with the cool, chilly weather & head to granny's house. Family gathering with cousins, uncles & aunties. Movie marathon at granny's place. The best part was sending my cousin off to work at Kallang Leisure's Starbucks. Coz' the cashier, happen to be my cousin's friend, gave us 7 free starbucks grande drinks. One drink can cost like $7. Wow, it was fattening with the whip cream and all, but I just drank it, anyway. Then, the day ends.

Now, I'm still searching for something to wear for Prom Night. I have no idea what to wear at all. Perhaps I should go shopping or just borrow. And, there's flea! Eh SJ, better make sure you can make it eh!

k, bye. Harry Potter tmr with awesome people!

Hope is all I have

2010-11-16T19:06:00.003+08:00

Usually, I dread Tuesday the most. Its like Tuesday is not my luckiest day but as for today, the day turned out quite well. I'm feeling kinda worried for myself because I can't sleep at night and would only turn in about 2am. Woke up at 7.30am, showered and went to school for Prom Night meeting at 8am. You can expect me to be late. 1/2 hour is not enough for me. Had 'Auditions' for PN. It was kinda of mundane. Then, proceed to the gift-wrapping of lucky draw prizes. In 1 hour, the EXCOs managed to finish up the wrapping. Briefing about PN, then break for Lunch & meeting for Sec 1 Orientation. Through out the whole meeting, there's just too much laughters. Its been so long since I laughed so hard, ya know. yes, very long. Oh wells. Sometimes, I just need to release myself from the situation I'm in. The day ended with a heavy downpour & I walked in the rain. & yes, another thing I've never done for so long. It feels like ages ago. wtf?!

Yesterday's dance practice was not bad. Had a new choreography & I'm seriously starting to love SYF dance practices. I love the song, the choreo and that 'working-out' feeling. Besides the stretching part, my flexibility is getting back on par. Center split, OMG. I really need to do center split by end of Dec. I'm just afraid I'm pushing myself too hard with dance and council's busy schedule.

I wanna watch Harry Potter & the Deathly Hollows soon. anyone? :D

Perhaps, a talk with my friends is just what I need to move on and let go. Thats when I really express myself but I must contain myself not to cry in front of them. I keep my tears to myself or to God. Simply cause I'm weak & people will take advantage of it. I just need to let out this anger and depression in me before it eats me up. I'm really sorry to people who I turned down. Its not I want to, its just I don't want to get close to someone & ended up, they're leaving me.

If looking back hurts you and if looking forward scares you, then just look beside you, and I will always be there.

XOXO,

I'm still the same ME.

2010-11-11T19:50:00.003+08:00

The process of moving on is not easy.To deal with it, let go of all of your negative feelings. Engage your self to things that will occupy your time and will somehow make you forget about the pain and grief. I'm still trying. Hold me tight and grip me so that I won't fall any harder than this. Believe me, its not easy. Be in my shoes if possible. But, too bad, you're not the same size:P

Maybe it was easy for you to move on and forget me. Well, not for me. No matter how I try, it’s hard to accept the fact that you’re never going to come back and I can't bring back those memories we had. You are happy with your life now. While me, I’m still trying to get over the pain. But don’t worry because sooner or later I will accept the fact that we’re done and life goes on. As long as you’re happy with what’s going on with your life now, I will be happy as well.

You said sorry. Is that all you can say? After all the pain you’ve put me through, only 'sorry' without explaination at all came out from your mouth? Try to imagine yourself in my situation. I cried buckets of tears and had sleepless nights. By that moment, I thought I’m going to be insane. I told my friends that I cannot take it any longer, but lucky, they support me & help me to stay strong. But telling them did not help much.Nevertheless, I seek help from God. I have lost hope and closed doors to new love because of what you did to me. You never cared about what I will feel. Frankly, you never cared about me at all.

When I think of you, I cry and I can’t stop. I know you treated me horribly, and I’m better off without you, but feelings are feelings and you can’t just stop loving someone. That was what I thought the past few weeks. But now, I can get over you. No, its a must. Its just a choice if I'm willing to do it. Life just move on, doesn't it?

Okay, that should be the end of my emo and upset moment.
I can't live life so emo-ish and face the world this way.
This isn't right, at all.
I just wish someone really understand this pain.
Am I ready to take on another risk, you may ask? hell no.

Smize

2010-11-11T15:10:00.001+08:00

Take a good look in someone's face. Especially the eyes ; the power of beauty, the flawlessness, the sorrow and sadness. Personally, people should look on inner beauty like this rather than extraordinary, flawless outer beauty. So what if you have the outer beauty when your heart aren't sincere?

Go figure, guys.

2010-11-11T15:00:00.000+08:00

I went Mustafa Centre this morning at 10am with Zheng Yu, Mr Chia & Mrs Cheah. It has been 123456789 years since I last went there. There's simply a lot of things there. I just wanna go shoppoing there especially the chocolates. They looked tasty yet cheap! It was so tempting to just grab all of the chocolates there. Then, I had a sinful Mac lunch with them. haa, shopping makes my leg tired and blisters but nevertheless, I had a good morning. Now, I'm out to meet Safirah. Kay bye. I wanna see sunset later. Anyone? :(

I better get going. HEE. :D

What Oprah Winfrey Said about Men,

2010-11-08T16:49:00.003+08:00

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't 'be friends'. A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think 'it will get better.

You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything.* He will use it against you later.*

You cannot change a man's behaviour.* Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are..Even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god.He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...Compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about baggage...Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...Look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.*Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtfuL.

You should know that:You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing.

If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one.They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices.Make the right one.Ladies take care of your own hearts....

take a bullet straight through my brain..

2010-11-07T21:37:00.003+08:00

Your heart is the strongest thing about you. When it’s broken it heals and becomes stronger than you think. All you need is time and the right person to help you put it back together.

Can i just hug you, this instance? You don't know how much you mean to me. But its over. Getting to 3 months, get over it, Amalina. I wrote a whole long post but, I decide I'll just keep it for my own reading. Somebody knocked some sense in me. I just need to ignore the devil's calling though its tempting. Phone, pls stop ringing unknown numbers cause I don't wanna pick up! damn.

Family gatherings was what i need most. I had fun with my cousins with good company and good food. That's where my mind goes on a relax mode. I've started jogging 2 weeks ago to gain my stamina but it just drop drastically. These shows how much emotional war with your heart can affect your well-being. tsk..

2010-11-05T21:12:00.003+08:00

Sometimes people have to cry out all the tears in order to make room for a heart full of smiles.

Close friends would know what happened to me recently. Or perhaps, don't know yet. But whatever it is, I'm thankful to have them around me. Nazihah, who never fails to understand me. I'm really touched by your message and it was quite contradicting to what others said. But, afterall, the decision lies in my hands. Saf, Atiqa & Sijia, I'm still listening to your advices. But.. oh wells. I need a hug. Ming, I've yet to tell you. You're like uncontactable. And Yazid, thanks for listening and advising me. I've dug a deeeeeeep grave for myself to fall into. But please, I wanna get out asap. Now that you know, my life kinda of unlucky right?.. I should just spent sometime alone. I'm sorry if I sound weak, but trust me, I'm trying my very best to stay strong and get up from this fall.

i want to forget everything, pls?

2010-11-05T20:24:00.006+08:00

From the last post, now, I'm 15 years old and 9 days!

The blog seems quite dead eh? Okay, let's talk about my birthday celebration. I turned fifteen on 27 OCtober and I was a happy kid. Sijia was counting down the time to 12am. And, on 12am sharp, I received a sweeet birthday message from Aisyah. And subsequently, the rest of my friends.

Thanks to my dearest EXCOs who gave me a surprise first thing in the morning. They told me that we have meeting, but ended up it was a birthday gift from them. They baked super sweeeet and naise brownies for me. And also Gandeep & Zheng Yu, for the rocher and very cute lil birthday card.

Thanks to Safirah & Sijia for the next surprise. They gave me 2 jars of cookies, 1 scrapbook which was beautifully decorated with hilarious captions and pictures & 3 things which I've been eyeing for quite a long time. A headband, RED shades and a heart necklace. I love it alot. And, I know its sincere from the bottom of their heart. I'm so sorry for the blisters and leg cramps you guys had travelling to get these things. I really appreciate it.

Thanks to Ming Hui for the red dice clock, the birthday card and awesome video made by her and Germaine. Its super duper naise and sweet.

Thanks to Nazihah, Atiqa & Dina for the beautiful handmade card. I love the whole thang. And Naz had to sacrifice her headband for the card. But still, its wonderful.

Thanks to Isaac, for the rocher. Don, for the beautiful & sweet present. It made me smile. Cassandra Chong, for the sweet lil card which is very meaningful. My brother & sis-in-law for the SK jewellery necklace. And my whole family for the birthday treat at Manhattan Fish Market & swensens. To add cherry on top, I received $400 from the Singapore Police Force for the study award. And, not forgetting the wishes I received through facebook/sms/twitter or in person. Thanks for hugs as well. Thank you very nice! heh. At least, I had I memorable day being a FIFTEEN year old. So tell me, which part of those things I should not appreciate? I appreciate them very much, ok!

And yesterday, Yazid's treat for my belated birthday at Ben & Jerry. Thanks eh. That ice cream gave me stomach pains and make me feel so sleepy. :P

Today, I went Kite Flying at Marina Barrage with family. My kite didn't fly high! I gave up and admire the other kites in the sky. I think like 1/4 of singaporean flood MB just now. There's a lot of people and KITES of different types. Its like watching an aquarium because almost all the kites are sea creatures. Ok, Before that, we head down to Queensway and my brother bought for me a pair of HIGH-CUT CONVERSE SHOES! it cost a bomb for a shoe. well to me. But its super nice! Limited Edition. I've got nothing else to say but just grateful and blessed. (:

XOXO,

chase me.

2010-10-26T21:56:00.003+08:00

I'mma happy kid. really. I'm super happy. starry eyed! I can't wait for tomorrow when I turn FIFTEEN to celebrate with my loved ones. I've got so many plans to celebrate my birthday. On thursday, somebody is so kind & generous to treat me to Ben & Jerry Ice cream. If cancel, I'm gonna smack that person face. On Friday, I'm gonna have lunch date with that GIRL above, Aisyah Abdul Rahim, my childhood and primary school bestfriend. Oh, I'm so eggcited! I'm fetching her from Anderson Sec. We've got a billion of things to catch up after 2 years. Thanks to everyone for making me happy, whoever you are. you know it.

Thanks Dina, for the advanced birthday message.
It was so sweeeeeet.
Thanks Abdullah for advanced birthday present.
It was naise(:
thaks Sijia, for ur merepek convo chats.
boohoo!

XOXO,

I know her story

2010-10-25T21:13:00.004+08:00

In 2 freaking days, I'm turning 15. Oh well, I'm having a mixed feeling. Turning fifteen means a lot of things. It means you're mature and wiser by a year. It means that you've lived in this world for fifteen goddamn years. okay, it simple means I'm aging. In addition, I'm also getting nearer to death. Each day I live, the days will keep reducing. I've watch myself grew for the past 15 years. I would be lying if I say I didn't change. Of course, I change in terms of maturity, attitude, personality and appearance. Who doesn't? But I'm just afraid how long more I'll be able to live. Another 15 or 51 years? God-willing.

you should not have called me. I don't know what was ur reason to do so. But now you did, just so you know, you're nothing but just a friend. Let time tell. Don't ask me for second chances, please.

XOXO,

People who made my day.

2010-10-20T23:01:00.003+08:00

When Syabil told me he wants to become a vet when he grow up, I literally ROFL. I can't believe that's his ambition. I guess he'll kill the animal instead of curing them. HAHA!

Seet Yi Ting. She never fails to brighten up my day with her encouraging words. One of my pillar of strength. I love her for showing concerns to each of her friend. Girl, you know my words. I love you very much. you're beautiful.
And of course, this minah, Sijia. If one day she never create a scene or a joke of herself or myself, it would not be called a day. We got nonsense chats online but hilarious. With spelling mistakes everywhere.. tsk. HAHA, epic much.

Smile with your liver

2010-10-19T22:56:00.003+08:00

Its really not a good way to start the week with exams scripts given back to us. Nevertheless, this week we're only gonna have 3 days of school. yes, I need rest. Results have been rather So-So, expected except for Social Studies, of course. I got a shocked of my life, stoned for 1 minute. Nothing was in my mind except, 'Alhamdullilah'. Oh well, things come unexpectedly as always. Monday didn't start off good. Had meeting regarding prom night after school. Another proposal to be handed in asap. GOD. Events after events. Ended up, I'm not going Hong Kong Trip for the 'reward' of our hardwrok. I'm just extremely dolorous and dissappointed that I can't join. I felt very bad for putting Mrs Tan down even after she already offered my subsidy. Urgh, I'm not in the place to make the decision. Its my mum.-.-

Today was just mundane. Received the rest of the papers back. Expected results for A.maths. sigh. And amazingly, I really sleep during M.T period & I had a dream. I was dancing. k, lame. After school, had the bo-to-ring Student Leadership workshop. It bores me big time.

eh,you, stop hinting me with ur words.
& stop trying to attract my attention.
Just stop whatever you're doing.
stop texting me saying random 'hi.'
& stop self-obsessed. ty.

2010-10-19T22:50:00.003+08:00

Everyone’s heartbroken nowadays. But I mean, we all just have to move on. What’s the point of reminiscing when you know the person is no longer worth while; when they’re no longer who they used to be? When their heart is somewhere else? Do you think they still care for you, or are still thinking about you? Because frankly, they don’t.

Okay, maybe that's mostly to me. But if you're one of the heartbreakers, please take note. I seriously don't give a damn about love anymore. I'm gonna be anti-love. What for we have butterflies in our stomach, feeling loved...when's its not safe nor secure. People gonna enter our lives for temporary and after they made a positive/negative impact, they'll leave. So put your hopes down, stop hoping about love. Cause it goes nowehere but inside the drain, yeah?..

take my heartbeat away.

2010-10-15T00:01:00.008+08:00

I've screwed up my life. But everytime, I want to give up, there's always an intinct inside me to hold on and be strong. In the end, I fell harder than ever. Screwed than ever. Call me emo or whatever shit. I don't care. I know it doesn't seemed to be like me at all. Not Amalina, people know. But seriously, who cares? The truth is nobody cares. I guess, I'll leave this blog this way. The past is hunting and hurting me too much. And, I just need to go somewhere. I don't know where, but I'll guess I will do it Alone. Back to square one, trusting urself to get away from this lost route. Goodbye..

Ya allah, this life is too complicated, but I'm trying to be patient.

LEISURE!

2010-10-13T22:02:00.003+08:00

DEAR FRIENDS,
Let's go to Woodlands Waterfront, pretty soon!
I'm really in love with that place.
Go check out the website below to view the place. :D
Ohhhh, so stress-free!
Love ya.(;

http://handlinefishing.com/wheretofish/shoresandjetties/wldswtrfrt/

xoxo,

hold my hand,..

2010-10-11T14:06:00.006+08:00

"Did you ever notice that people give up on love as they get older? When you’re a little girl, all you want to do is fall in love. Then when you’re a teenager, every guy you meet you think is ‘the one’. Then when you’re an adult and you have been hurt from all the previous breakups, you’re not interested in love anymore. You just don’t want to be alone, so you settle for someone who isn’t your soulmate." -Tumblr

I find people these days just so rushing into relationships. Please, com'on take a chill pill and slow down, babe. In what ways you think you can be so committed to relationship right now with studies and school to juggle? Love can wait. It can be put on hold. But studies? I doubt so. You definitely don't want to be lagging behind others. People think they have r/s now to gain experience. I say, that's utter bullshit. If god meets us with 'The One', somehow the r/s will turn out fine. Trust me. In life, people are simply afraid that they won't be loved back. I mean, that's normal. But you don't have to take it, as though, love for that person is your priority. To me, life teaches me one thing; To love God, Prophet Muhammad s.w.t, my parents, my siblings, my muslims brothers & sisters and my non-muslims friends. And yes, that's what my life revolves now. Take one step at a time. Never rush into something, cause it will end up worst that you expected. One day, everyone will be with someone(; You just have to believe with all your heart that things are better than they seem, that things will be okay soon, that you are stronger than you think you are. Because at the end of the day, hope is all you have.

A quote from Katy Perry, she said:
"Don’t ever invest all of your emotions in a guy - you’ve gotta save some for yourself. "
So yes, please do before you're like drown in love.

you can stop reading my thoughts now(haha), take a deep breath, and be happy right now. :D

And yeah, it’ll be a while before I’m completely over you but when that day comes that you don’t cross my mind, and I finally do forget you for good, please don’t remember me. Please, just stay outta of my life, for good. Even if I have to remember you, I'll just remember you as a good person. I'm glad it ended. Cause I know those feelings were plastics-fake.

XOXO,

2010-10-11T14:00:00.001+08:00

NAZIHAH NA'AMSAH, you're welcome.(:
But nothing beats your 4-page long letter.

The worst thing in life is to lose a friend, a friend that means the world to you, a friend that you put all your trust and faith in, a friend that you believed in from the start, a friend that took the center of your heart, a friend that you’d die for, a friend that you wanted to cherish for a lifetime, a friend, a good friend, a best friend. yes, to you, my coming to 9-years friend.

birthday.

2010-10-11T13:56:00.002+08:00

Happy 17th, Fatil.
Thanks for everything. You're like a brother to me already.
Enjoy your day and all the best for O's.
You know I'm always here, anytime.
& pls, don't insist on buying me something for my bday.
My bro will be jealous. haha. Its thought that counts, aite(:

Always be there

2010-10-10T11:24:00.002+08:00

GOOD MORNING, WORLD!
I'm ready to spice up the day cause its 10.10.10.

Would you do the same?

2010-10-08T21:34:00.003+08:00

- Tumblr

God, I can't believe friends can be a pain in the ass sometimes.
Damn, why did you change so fast?
Your attitude towards me. It was clearly you're showing off to me.
You're trying to imply I'm longer important to you.
And you're got your other friends.
Dammit. Now, I'm all alone. Of course, you're gonna leave me alone & go with them instead.
Whatheheck.
You know what? I don't wanna fight this kind of war.
I'm better off alone.

5 papers down, 5 more to go. By far, A.Maths was the killer paper. I literally died while doing it. Chemistry was managable(not what I expected to be). I'm really exhausted. Last minute studying and lack of sleep. Monday, Geography and Pure Biology paper. What a combination eh! wish me luck in memorising. OH GODDDD, 4 more days to survive this excruciating process. And now, with my mind all clouded and mixed up, I can't focus. I mean seriously? Does all these shit have to happen like right now?..

On a brighter note, Ann won BEST PHOTO 4 times in a row.
First in ANTM's history. I bet she's gonna win this cycle if she continue her hardwork. ANN FTW! (;

ya allah, I accept your test with open heart.
Coz, I know its the best for me.
Help me through this journey.

XOXO,

we're the perfect two

2010-10-05T19:35:00.004+08:00

i just feel like running this place.
Away from these hustle bustle of life and school.
I told my mother that I'm stress. veryy stress.
She said, The best way to release stress is to SOLAT.
yes, I did. I can't deny it actually helps.
But somehow, I just want go away from here.
Somewhere far.
Coz people don't care.
Nowadays, people are becoming self-centered.
I guess, I'll be that too.
I wish the dream I had was true.
DAMN.IT.

so what, now? I can't handle it myself.
You said you'll be there for me.
but look now. Im alone in this fight.
tsk.

We're like Venus and Mars.

2010-10-04T18:50:00.002+08:00

When I see your smile, tears run down my face. I can't replace, and now that I'm strong, I have figured out how this world turns cold. It breaks through my soul and I know I'll find deep inside me, I can be the one. I will never let you fall. I'll stand up with you forever. I'll be there for you through it all, even if it requires me to risk my life just for you. Seasons are changing, and waves are crashing. Stars are falling all for us. Days grow longer and nights grow shorter. Don't worry, as time goes by, I can show you I'll be the one. You're my one true love, my one whole heart. Please don't throw it away. I'm here for you, so please don't leave and walk away. Please tell me that you'll stay.

This aren't for anybody specific, honestly.
Just something for all my beloved friends.(;

for the rest of my life,..

2010-10-04T17:32:00.002+08:00

Finally, my hair is long enough to tie 2 plaits.
I tried this hairstlye yesterday and went out. Little girls gave me some weird look. Haha. I just gave them a smile.

Sometimes, I just have to give up on loving someone who doesn’t really love me back.
I'm promise you I'm going to be strong after this.
I'm sorry for the fake smiles.
I'm gonna set you free cause I don't deserve you.
I DESERVE better.

So when the time is hard. There’s no way to turn. As HE promise HE will always be there to bless us with HIS love and HIS mercy. Coz, as HE promise HE will always be there. HE’s always watching us, guiding us. So when you lose your way, To Allah you should turn. HE bring ourselves from the darkness into the light.

Subhanallah praise belongs to YOU for everything.
Shouldn’t never feel afraid of anything.
As long as we follow HIS guidance all the way.
Through the short time we have in this life,
Soon it all’ll be over
And we’ll be in His heaven and we’ll all be fine.

Allahuakhbar(;

"Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving. It’s growing up, realising that a heart can sometimes change and it can also be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, clear a path and set yourself free."

XOXO,

2010-10-01T22:54:00.002+08:00

Webcam-ed with this crazy lil minah who is at Resorts World Sentosa, enjoying life especially during this EOY period. The place looks cool though. And seriously, I did nothing much. No progress at all. I didn't touch the books. Coz I had to entertain my cute noisy lil nephews who bully me big time again.

k, bye.

do they really know me?

2010-09-27T23:54:00.006+08:00

As I looked through my Facebook profile, I realised my friends often gave me inspiring words and quotes to keep me going. To encourage me put a bright smile on my face no matter what happens. They're always there to back me up. And yes, I can always depend on them to be strong. But, they're part of my life. Its these little things that they do which actually helps me grow. This post was written since July. But I just kept it unpublished to gather more of this inspiring words.

Sijia
4 July 2010
MINAH. Although i already knew about your post ages ago, I still want to congratulate you for the umpteen time and say that SIJIA IS SOOOO PROUD OF YOU! ♥
Seriously, I knew you would get into the exco since you're oh-so-talented and responsible and sweet and nice and you got the potential! See, i can already be a fortun...e teller. Not bad, not bad. xD ANYWAY, I got faith in you that you'll do an AWESOME job yeah? YOU GOT MY BACK! I'LL SUPPORT YOU ALLLLL THE WAYYY! ♥
xoxo,

6 July 2010
Hey Soul -enter word yourself- (;
It's okay that you're going through a rough phase in life,
cuz well, it IS life afterall.
There's bound to be up's and down's.
But that's part & parcel of life,
...and that's what makes life, well, life!
It's okay to breakdown once in a while, you're human afterall.
It's okay to NOT show a strong-front everyday infront of people.
It's okay to just cry and whine and make a fuss about life.
It's okay to just let ALL your frustrations out and vent your anger once in a while.
But I want you to know that, life still goes on.
No matter what, one day, you'll have to move on too.
Even if you've decided to not move on,
I just want you to know that, your Soul -enter word yourself- will always be here for you, & you know it. (:
Stop over-thinking so much.
Cuz' only -enter word- will -enter word- . ;D
If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
...If it's not meant to be, then it's not.
No matter how hard you try, it's all up to fate & faith.
& of course also your effort. I know you've already tried your very best.
So now, it's up to fate already, i guess.
AGAIN, -word- will -word-. :D
Okay, I've kinda ran out of things to say already..
Long message right? Hahaaa!
I<3U

13 September 2010
NUR AMALINA, THIS IS FOR YOU. (;
Letting go doesn’t mean we don’t care.
Letting go doesn’t mean we shut down.
Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes.
It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.
...It means we stop trying to do the impossible & controlling what we cannot.
Instead, we should focus on what is possible.
You know i know, time will tell. ♥

Atiqa

6 July 2010
Minah.No matter what,I or rather us,the clique will always be there for you,pushing you from behind.
Friendship turned and spoke to me:
'Always I'll be there; ...
Never mind the fretting or the woes,
- be it in the deep of hell or any other dire straights my friend;
For you, we stood here ever at your side

Ainul
13 July 2010
I like you because you are my bloody cousin who knows every small minor detail about me.
I like you because you and me, we've share things, ALOT.
I like you cause you are always there when I needed you.
I like you cause every time got family gathering you would stick with me.
I like you for so many more things. GOSH.
from distant time to now, the bitter time.We ♥ you!

There is no need for you to envy me. Just wait for your time. Don't put hopes on people. Be strong. I'm always loving you.

Irdina
19 July 2010
Dear Amalina Mohamed, I just read your recent post & I was touched. Tell you the truth I felt like crying. The journey we been through is simply unforgettable. Don't worry about having lesser time with us, we understand you have commitments. DO THE BEST OF IT & WE WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU!DON'T FORGET TO ALWAYS ...PUT ON A SMILE. WE ♥ YOU.

Safirah
12 May 2010
Kau confirm ace that exam, as always. No doubt plus chop kastam. Gi compete with yeyu and bring face to orang melayu! (haha, this is actually motivating to me)
2 August 2010
you got the beauty and the brain. and your personality is well-liked. Orang macam,F, is like nonsense. you can get better ones out there easily la pls. stop deluding and side for him. Hes worthless, just like a cell of yeast. (A message that hits me hard & I began to ponder)

Ming Hui
20 August 2010
You can talk to me anytime you want. Just give me a call no matter what time of the day it is. I'm here for you. You're now sick. I don't want you to worry abt anything else eexcept your health. You cannot be so weak cos of a man. You are strong and you'll continue to be strong, ok. Cheer up. Smile! Stop wasting your tears. You will need it next time when you graduate. (ROFL, ming. when i graduate, i cry you a river, kay)

Fatil
20 August 2010
And stop loking down on yourself alright. You're great, you just don't know it. I'll pray for what's best for you.. don't worry, nothing to be down about. You'll work your way through.

Conclusion, I realised July was the EMOTIONAL month for me. HAHA. whattheheck. & I'm really greatful to have friends like them and the rest whose name not here. Well, each one plays a part in my life, whether big or small, significant or insignificant. I still treasure the memories bits to pieces. (:

XOXO,

I had to leave, again.

2010-09-27T21:00:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry.
It won't turn out the way I wanted to be.
Everything screwed.
I don't want to the third party and I'm prepared to lose you.
Then, she losing you. She needs you more than i do, friend.
She's sick. very sick. I'm not.
And again, for the ample time, I've got to give up my place again.
Just till when will this stop?
Just till when my heart will stop being too nice?
when will it start to fight for its own love and not give it up for other people?
God, I'm so weak at this.
I just need strength to pull things together.

Webcam

2010-09-26T16:29:00.002+08:00

Webcam-ed with this tall dude, Syabil til 3am. I swear he's entertaining though we were both already tired. Memorised Social Studies too. And I manage to cover it. yay!

2010-09-26T01:04:00.003+08:00

HAHAHAHA. SAFIRAH, I CAN'T HELP IT WITH THE PLATFORM JOKE.
PLATFORM GIRL is no longer mine, okay. tsk. Si Jia has a better choice for me. :P

when you smile,

2010-09-25T23:01:00.005+08:00

Raya at Cikgu Maslin's house

These few weeks is test week. Well, I've done my best and just hoped the results is good. On Tuesday night, I went Universl Studio for the third time. It was the best experience, so far. Well, I guess, I should take a break from going there until the Red & Blue tracks are open next year. Unless I get a free tix again.. haha. It seems that I always lack of sleep these days and ended up sleeping in class. tsk!

So yesterday, Friday, went over to Cikgu Maslin house for raya since she invited the malay class. I had so much fun and laughter with them. The whole trip was good with them as company. Spent like an hour plus in Cikgu house before we head home. When I reached home, my first brother was there with my SIL and nephews. I miss them so much. Especially, Ilhan, who disturbs and bully me big time. He even tricked me and smacked my butt. Story of a 2 year old kid. haha.

Its days before exam. My mind aren't prepared. At All.
At least I have my happy pills arounds me..

A random chat with Haikal. Irritating ttm much. :P
A: i know right? but ya, its me. HAHHHAAH. going raya tmr?
Haikal: noopeee!!! going to town as usual
hahahhahhaa
A: urrghh, merayap only! duduk rumah bayar puasa kan lebih afdhal.. hah
Haikal:for 5days,im stuck in camp.. i puasa at night! hahhahhaahaha
A:what?! at night only? then in the day?.. hahahaha. what kind of puasa is that.
Haikal: hahahahah this is the 3G puasa
A: what?! haha. what's the link seh?
Haikal: it means, third generation of puasa. The new way of puasa-ing
LOL
A: wahhh, sedap je tukar2. hahaha
Haikal: LOLOLOL
A: dh la tak puasa, then came up with new ways to bayar balek puasa. haha
Haikal: niat nye ada,hahahahahahaah. LOL
A: what crap. hahahhaha.

Oh well what to do, I'm arguing with a B3 O'lvl english student. Apparently, he showed of to me about that. :P

k, goodnight.
I miss you.

XOXO,

fighting with myself

2010-09-24T23:45:00.001+08:00

After all, and at the first place, I shouldn’t be wasting my time on you. Just remember those shitty lil memories that we had. They gave me a damn-head ache. You left me, so ya. That's the end of the story. Sometimes, i believe there's simply no second chances. Now, though, I'm envy about what people around me are going through, I have to be patient and strong. Its not my time yet, I supposed. But I'm still finding and searching for that happiness. & I'm a little confused between two. I wish I don't have to fight with the war of my heart. Its too complicated. To put it in words, I don't know where to start. However, I don't want to leave my empty heart unresolved. Soon, it will be filled with something. yes, something.:D

Just start thinking.

2010-09-24T23:06:00.000+08:00

"Not every girl wants to be in a relationship. Some just want good company; a guy to vibe with, converse with, & laugh with. Not in a rush; start off simple, & let the rest find itself. Having someone to talk to and feeling comfortable around them is quite beautiful, and it’s a good feeling."

Something I found that's worth pondering and thinking about.

2010-09-23T20:08:00.002+08:00

eh girl, sedap je mulut kau. mintak kene cili padi je. I'm not stupid and blind, for goodness sake. You don't have to be sacarstic, pls. Tsk!

2010-09-22T19:25:00.001+08:00

If you love someone, tell them. Because hearts are broken by words left unspoken.

2010-09-22T19:09:00.001+08:00

"Fate’s keeping me away from him. Now I know why. I’m finally hearing the little voice in the back of my head that’s been saying, “He’s not the one for you. You deserve better. It’s his loss, anyway. You gotta be patient. Soon enough, you’ll find the guy who will really recognize your worth, and more importantly, he’ll also be the one who will treat you as if you were his life.”

These words reminds me of Safirah's message to me.
Damn. Its almost the same, though. Oh well, life goes on no matter what..

Raya with Friends. Eat, eat & eat !

2010-09-22T18:40:00.009+08:00

Jalan Raya. Last Saturday. Well, I ate till heart's content. Now, I'm ready to shed those fats from the comfort eating. These are photos in my camera. The rest is in Dina' camera which already uploaded in Facebook. I really had fun with them. Let the photos do the talking as I'm lazy to blog about it. :D
P.S: Don't mind the unglam photos.

Okay I know the eclair is tempting. I've been eating it day in, day out.

Alhamdullilah

2010-09-20T19:56:00.003+08:00

You don’t want to let people in. It’s hard for you. And once you let those people in, you don’t want to let them go. And when they fuck up, it’s like, why would you do that to me? I gave you my feelings, I did everything for you, and you still screwed me over. It’s like you wish they were a better person.
-Tumblr

No, I guess I'm better off without you. I don't get it why people said they can't life without their boyfriend or girlfriend. When the fact that they were surviving even before their 'The One' came into their life. Oh please la. You don't need a guy/girl to live. Don't tell me your life sucks without your boyfriend/girlfriend. You're just over-reacting. Damn. Its proven to be true. I don't need a man in my life. They're just a pain in the ass who loves to break girl's heart-shaped little glass inside us. So what if we're fragile? No matter how fragile girls are, I really think they are strong on the inner.

I used to think I was good enough for you. But hey, I don't think we're good for each other. I'm sick and tired of you lies and stories. I hate the fact you could still ask me for second chance. When trust is broken, sorry means nothing okay. I'm not a toy for you to play with. I'm not born yesterday whereby you can just lie right into my face. I was born 14 years ago, with lots of experience to tackle people like you. Your words means nothing to me at all. My feeling have fade away. What you've got to offer me, I'm no longer interested. The fact my heart is close, means it is close. I'll leave everything to God's hands and let time will tell. Don't come begging me now after you have 'spit' on my face.

On a brighter note, I'm going Universal Studio for the 3rd time tomorrow night with the YOG Opening Ceremony dancers!
YAY! Alhamdullilah, thanks to YOG for giving us this reward! I'm really looking forward to my 3rd time there. :D

thanks Fatil & Sijia(:
XOXO,

Adrenaline

2010-09-17T18:55:00.004+08:00

UNIVERSAL STUDIOS TRIP WAS MORE THAN AWESOME.
I TRULY LOVE THE COMPANY OF MY FRIENDS.
IT WAS STRESS-FREE,really!
though the next day was Biology Test.

when the heart has no more love,

2010-09-17T18:33:00.004+08:00

Bila cintamu tak lagi untukku, bila hatimu tak lagi padaku, bila aku tak baik untukmu.
Aku akan pergi meskipun hati tak akan rela.

This week was a tiring and very painful week. Term 4 started off with a shaky start. I broke down and cried on 13th midnight and 14th morning. Yes, one month after YOG, it has to end this way. It just had to, right. I admit I'm stupid and being such a fool to believe your words. I'm being hurt and hurt again. I thought I could open up my heart just once again and play with it. I was confident this was turning out the right way. But apparently, not for NOW. I'm seriously done. Done with everything. I've played with my heart & I risked it of getting hurt. So now, it happened. I can't blame anybody but just myself. I don't blame you for hurting my heart. I don't blame you for giving me hopes that were never meant to happen. & I don't fcuking blame you for falling in love with me. I believe this is God's way to test me. Its truly a test which test on my patience and strong-will. I thank Allah for meeting me with you. In one month, you change my thoughts about guys. But now, no longer. I'm getting back up with a smile on my face and move on. Thanks for making me a cruel and a mean person to you now. If you realised I've changed, thanks to you moulding me into that 'new' person. Boys are jerks, admit it.

Now, I'm thinking big & for my future. I'm living through my life now with a more positive outlook. I'm gonna fight those tears that I've wasted. I'm sorry, I'm gonna close my heart now, till God knows when. Until I'm ready and mature enough to play with it again. ♥

keep me in your prayers & du'a, friends.
XOXO,

Surprise,surprise, surprise

2010-09-14T21:35:00.003+08:00

Okay, i'm updating through ITouch so pardon me if there's a lot of spelling error. Yay! Tomorrow, i'm going Universal Studios for the 2nd time! Its an appreciation workforce party for the YOG volunteers. I'm euphoric to go because its going to be at night. Gonna like the whole atmosphere. And surely, i'm gonna buy something from the shops. But unfortunately, the next day, thursday, i have biology test and i've got to finish everyrhing by today. Hopefully, i can & would just read through the notes tmr. Well, Term 4 started quite rough. Yesterday, had a.maths test and a last min english composition test. Damn! I think i screwed up english compo as i did not had the time to edit. And as for A.maths, i got 11.5 marks over 25. 1 more mark to pass. Oh well, but i'm glad my a.maths is reaching the passing grade. Now, i better get back to doing a.maths and memorise biology facts. XOXO,

Dear God,

2010-09-13T22:55:00.002+08:00

Ya Allah, berikanlah aku kesabaran dan keimanan yang kuat mengharungi cabaran kehidupanku. Aku percaya engkau tidak akan memberi aku sesuatu cabaran yang aku tidak boleh hadapi. Sesungguhnya, aku memang amat lemah, ya allah. Bantulah aku, ringankan cabaranku ini kerana ia terlalu berat bagiku sekarang, ya allah. Tidak sanggup lagi hatiku ini dihiris dan cintaku yang ikhlas dipermainkan. Ya allah, aku berharap padaMu, agar kenyataan itu semua tidak benar. Tidak mampu lagi aku melihat hati ini terluka, Ya Allah. Amin, ya rab'bal a'lamin.

Beautiful Disaster

2010-09-13T21:45:00.003+08:00

Thousand thanks to my friends for being there for me. I mean seriously, deep down in my heart. Thanks a million. Words are never enough to express my gratitude. All I can do is to treat you guys the same way you guys treated me. I appreciate the concern a lot.

To Isaac, that 8-numbers away quote is by me. You used it. okay, nevertheless, thanks for the texts and your advices. I know you got your own r/s to think about. But you're always the one messaging me first to hear my problems. Sorry if i never take the first step, cause I'm god-damn busy. thanks, dude.

To Safirah, you're definitely a gift from Allah. Thanks for the long message/essay which never fails to lighten up my day, yesterday. I'll always bear in mind what you told me.

To Atiqa, your words are always harsh, but it strucks me deep.

To Ming Hui, you know what? your message almost made me cried. almost. Thanks for hearing me out and giving me hopes to carry on.

To Sijia, your words are inspirational. your wall-post that you gave me was deep and I love the meaning behind it. Thanks for giving me the courage and hopes. Finally, you're on his side eh. I remember you used to dislike him being with me. Thanks for opening your heart. Thanks for looking at a different perspective.

To Ainul, thanks for hearing me out, cuzz. We share lots of things together. I know you're always there for me. I love you so much. I'll stay strong(:

XOXO,